


No One's Hero

by LaDragonaria



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Humor, Betrayal, Closure, First Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mass Effect 3, The DLC That Never Was, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-14
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-05 08:17:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/720872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDragonaria/pseuds/LaDragonaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A "DLC That Never Was" for Mass Effect 3, set somewhere between the missions of Thessia and Sanctuary and the big final battle against the Reapers, at some point after the Citadel DLC. This is a Kaidan-related story. In Mass Effect 3, Kaidan spends a lot of his free time trying to track down his biotic teams that he was teaching pre-Mass Effect 3. He finds out that one team is stationed on Noveria and that Reaper forces might be on their way. Rahna, Kaidan's first love who he told Shepard about in Mass Effect 1, is leading that team and she sends the distress call... which reaches Kaidan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Mission: Armed Response

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spicyshimmy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyshimmy/gifts).



> This fic assumes that Shepard is a biotic and mostly paragon. I'm taking a few liberties here and there.

The Normandy - CIC

 

By now, everyone was dealing with the after effects of the biggest party to ever hit the Citadel. 

Tali had had enough of emergency induction ports to last a life time. Liara was now on a tea kick. Javik was... remarkably civil to Shepard. Garrus was casting furtive glances around the room every so often and squirreling away scraps of paper on home defense. James was trying to live down Kasumi's messages about his workout routine and how many hits a video of his dancing would get on the extranet. Cortez was flinching and looking queasy whenever there were loud noises.

...Good party.

"Commander..." Samantha Traynor's voice called over to him as he walked down from the elevator. She seemed like she was about to say something she regretted, but did it anyway. "...Your... boy toy... wants to see you in the observation deck."

"...Excuse me?" Shepard's face turned grim.

"...He wants to see you, but presumably with clothes this time." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I am... so sorry. EDI is..." Samantha was blushing. "She's saying she could send some... rather incriminating audios to the extranet about... things that were said in the heat of the moment while I was... woefully drunk off my ass. Sir."

Shepard tried to contain a smirk. "Are you being blackmailed by the unshackled AI?"

"...Yes."

"What were you saying to her that she can use against you?"

"...Let's not go there, Commander."

"EDI..." Shepard glanced upwards.

"Yes, Shepard."

"Play nice with Specialist Traynor."

"I'm sorry, Shepard. Specialist Traynor is being groomed to be my servant in the coming Empire."

"...Let's not go there, huh, EDI?"

"EDI, no blackmailing people." Shepard moved towards the elevator, which did not open. "...Really, EDI?"

"..."

"Open the elevator doors, EDI."

"I'm sorry, John. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Really, EDI?" He rolled his eyes. 

"This conversation can serve no further purpose."

"I'll spill soda on your circuit board." Nothing. "I'll go through your processes with peanut butter on my hands." Still nothing. "I'll introduce Joker to a friendly Avina terminal and install massage functions."

"You are a monster." The elevator doors opened.

"...I can see why Javik has such an affinity towards throwing AIs out the airlock." Traynor smiled and went back to her terminal.

"That would be a logically unsound plan." EDI's voice dinged in its normal chipper tone. "I am the airlock."

 

The Normandy - Observation Deck

 

"Hey, Shepard."

"Hey, Kaidan."

"Are you okay?"

"Had to play hardball with the nosiest interface on the ship."

"My official title will be known as AI Empress, Shepard."

"Thank you, EDI."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

"...Should I be worried?" Kaidan gave an incredulous look.

"No. But if she hijacks herself, I'll let you have another shot at the synthetic body." Shepard smiled. "So, what can I do for you? More bacon?"

"There's never enough bacon, Shepard. But..." His voice grew more serious. "I told you about my biotic teams, right?"

"Not in so much detail. You said you were... convinced to do it?"

"Yeah. The teams I trained and the recruits aren't so much like Grissom Academy. It's kind of like, well, the difference between college and grad school, I guess. Basically, the recruits that got sent to us were already pretty powerful but you keep molding them. I'm kind of dumbing it down. The result is... or... was, I mean, to make a team like the asari commandos. Only, you know, human."

"Last I heard, you said they were in the Midwest."

"That was one team. And to be honest, I haven't really heard much from them. But other teams were sent to different places. Most of them were classified, or at least, I never heard from them. I think one team was on Ilos, probably scavenging Prothean ruins to help with the Crucible. But most of the teams are dealing with anti-Reaper issues. Husks are pretty much useless when they're floating through the air. But one of the teams sent a distress call."

"If it was sent to the Normandy or to Admiral Hackett, why wasn't I informed?"

"It was sent to me, Shepard." Kaidan shook his head. "It's nicknamed Team Epsilon. They've been through a lot. They did a stint near asari space, trying to help refugees from Thessia. They... lost their commanding officer and the way it was explained to me, they just got their new leader for their new mission."

"Which is...?"

"It's on Noveria. After Cerberus got knocked out of that region, Hackett has a lot of people there trying to hold the area. I think they were doing fine against Cerberus, but now there are Reapers."

"Why?"

"Hell if I know, but... if I had to guess, it'd be because of the labs. You remember what we saw on Horizon with Miranda's dad... Well, Noveria has plenty of labs and a good portion of them are so classified Liara would have a hard time finding out about them."

"And Cerberus was in that area until recently."

"Right. What if Cerberus was working on something else in secret? What if it was Reaper related? The worst part is, since everything's secret, we have no idea. If Binary Helix can work on the rachni in absolute secret, why can't Cerberus front a company that's working on Reaper tech on a place where you can't be more secure?"

"Cerberus forces use various front operations to generate revenue to fund Cerberus activities." EDI's voice chimed in. "That is how the Lazarus Project was funded. It is possible that a thus far legitimate company operating on Noveria was working on something."

"And when we went to Noveria before, we were only at Peak 15. Which means there are at least fourteen other peaks. And how many other places aren't counted? It's... fishy, Shepard."

"So, you think your team stumbled upon Cerberus experiments on the Reapers?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure what to think. Before Sanctuary, I wouldn't have thought the Illusive Man would've cracked. It could be weapons or experimental tech that was being developed to deal with the Collectors when they'd just brought you back, maybe working with things that scare the Council or the other races like... like EDI. It might be that they adapted it to fight against Reapers. Obviously, Cerberus has its hands on tech from beyond the Omega-4 Relay. Nothing's saying they didn't take tech from there to work on in Noveria. And Reapers harvest and destroy. They destroyed Adelaide without harvesting, they blew up missile silos on Earth. Maybe the Reapers see... whatever they're doing as a potential threat."

"Hey. Calm down. You're shaking." Shepard put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. He could feel the tension.

"I'm sorry, Commander... John. It's just that... these are my guys. My students. And if they hurt them..." He took a deep breath, his voice getting deeper and more serious. "I'll rip them in half."

"I get it. EDI, add it to the galaxy map."

"At your service, Shepard."

"...Shit." Kaidan made a face. "On a scale of one to 'I will destroy you', how much did I sound like Jack?"

"You were about a, 'I'll kill you all.'"

"...Damn."

"We could just refer to you as Subject Jump Zero?"

"Uh. Thanks. But... please don't. I'm afraid what it'll do to my hair."

"Well, if you shave it, you won't even notice the gray."

"Yeah, well, we can't all follow Shepard's beauty regimen." He made a face. "I'd look like I was in a cult."

"A group of L2 biotics, out to terrorize the world, seeking reparations... out to take hostages? Sound fun?"

"Uh... no. Not my style. I couldn't even terrorize a volus."

"Well, if that's all, I'm going to have Joker set a course to Noveria. And then make a peanut butter sandwich and put the fear of the organics into EDI."

Shepard made a move towards the door and Kaidan nodded, still on edge. He took a moment. Paced. Nearly stamped his foot before raising his voice.

"Wait. Shepard."

"What is it?"

"There's... one more thing." Kaidan looked away, like a dog who had done something wrong. "Team Epsilon's commanding officer... the one who sent me the distress call... It was Rahna."

"Rahna?" Shepard recalled that name. It took a moment but he connected the dots.

"Yeah. I... told you about her, remember?"

"This was back when we thought Saren and the geth were the bad guys."

"Yeah. Simpler times."

"You had a crush on her back at Brain Camp, if I remember right."

"H-Hey. I never said that."

"You didn't have to, I can read between the lines. Especially when they're your lines, Kaidan."

"...Right." Kaidan blushed. "Well, she's the one who sent the distress call. To me. Not... to you. Or her superiors. She sent it to me. She'd heard I was looking into the squad back in the Midwest and... Well, I only found out about Epsilon because of Liara."

"Liara?"

"Right. After Thessia, she threw herself into helping the refugees... and she came across Epsilon. And then handed that over to me. And that's how Rahna contacted me."

"Uh huh." Shepard enjoyed the guilty 'bad dog avoiding eye contact' Kaidan, but it was almost too painful. "So...?"

"I... Sorry. I should've gone to you with it sooner and told you but... I knew when we got to Noveria, she'd be like, 'You came!' and it would've been more awkward if I waited."

"Uh huh."

"But it's still kind of awkward and... I know I should've been honest. I just was worried that you would get... jealous. And then I figured I'd rather have you be jealous than mad at me for lying. So. That's... it."

"Kaidan, I'm not really the jealous type. Even if you did choose another ship over the Normandy after Horizon the first time."

"Yeah. It's just... Well, I didn't exactly tell her about... you and I. She knows that we're serving together on the Normandy; everyone does after the battle of the Citadel and whatnot, so I imagine that's why she called me. But I wasn't sure how to... broach the subject with her. I mean, we talked while she was on break. Messaged. A little. Not..."

"Calm down there. She's your friend and she means a lot to you. Especially with how you both left it, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then I'm not jealous."

"Good."

"Though, I'm not sure I can offer whatever it is women offer."

"Yes, thank you."

"I mean, I'd like to think I bring enough to the table to... keep you at it. And you do seem to enjoy it."

"...Yeah. This... is a punishment isn't it."

"For lying, yeah. But I'll forgive you this time."

"Couldn't you just make a steak sandwich and eat it near me or something, like EDI?"

"That's cruel and unusual punishment. I can't needle EDI. And it's not as much fun to needle EDI."

"I lack the desired emotional responses that Shepard is looking for when he 'needles' someone." EDI's voiced filled the air again. "I do not blush, or stammer, or avert eye contact, or frown, or pout or any of the organic qualities that Shepard looks for in a mate."

"Yes, thank you, EDI, I get it." Kaidan blushed.

"And I lack the ability to achieve sexual climax before, during or after being... needled."

"EDI, for the love of God." Kaidan shook his head.

"EDI, I can't... condone what you're doing but..." Shepard cracked a smile.

"It is a favor, Shepard. You are considered an ally of the Empress."


	2. Rank and Dignity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing in the chapter summary box oh my God why am I even...
> 
> Septemvigesimal means 27th. Spanish has a way of introducing you to really archaic words.
> 
> I'm not sure if I do Javik any justice. He just always seems to say the most correct but insensitive things at just the right time to make you realize he's basically Renegade Shepard.

The Normandy - Near Noveria

 

"So, what's the plan when we get there, Commander?" Joker spoke over the intercom while the others were meeting in the war room. Kaidan's eyes lowered somewhat when Joker addressing Shepard.

"First, we need to find Rahna. Kaidan, do you know where she'll be?"

"She said they were bunkered down near a private lab called Septemvigesimal Heliotrope or H27. On paper, H27 isn't really noteworthy. It's mainly colonization tech... Agricultural stuff, things to get you acclimated to an environment, atmospheric regulators based on the Shroud on Tuchanka."

"Yes, they were hit with heavy financial losses when the Collectors were abducting colonies." Liara mused.

"...Why do you know things like that off the top of your head?" Tali made a face, hardly discernible behind the mask.

"So, is this place on the up-and-up or did they sell their souls to Cerberus?" James interrupted.

"I don't really know. A lot of their stuff is pretty hush-hush, but Rahna told me they tend to deal with humans first. H27 worked a bit along Udina's circle of friends." Kaidan shrugged. "Which could just mean that it's experimental or that they're trying to get a leg-up on the competition. If the asari think a planet is too risky to colonize, the price is pretty low. So if a piece of tech from H27 can purify the atmosphere or improve agriculture in arid environments, humanity jumps on it. Humanity gains a colony at a low cost, Earth gets more money from its colony and H27 rakes in royalties."

"A solid idea, though a bit... deceptive." 

"Business is all war, Tali. The most yield for the least spent." Garrus nodded.

"In any case, she said that's where Reapers keep hitting hardest."

"How bad is it?"

"She said it comes and goes in waves. They aren't on Noveria in force yet. But they are getting more frequent. Before they were only getting hit every week or so. After Horizon, they've been getting hit at least once a day." Kaidan's voice trailed off. "They've already lost half the squad."

"If the Reapers hit with increasing frequency, it could affect morale. And sleep. Organic beings function less efficiently without sleep." EDI was recounting facts again. "It is unsurprising they are losing. Each loss of life is a blow to morale."

"We move in, we find survivors, we move out."

"Not that I'm condoning what Cerberus does, but if the Reapers are anxious enough to send forces to Noveria, shouldn't we try to figure out why?"

"The quarian is right. If it is enough to give the Reapers pause, we should take it." Javik spoke firmly on the matter.

"With any luck it isn't liquefied people-based technology." Garrus spoke with a knowing tone. Shepard had rejected the human Reaper and the experiments on Sanctuary were still fresh in their minds.

"That should not matter. Their deaths may yet have purpose if it is a good enough weapon."

"...I don't like the idea of building success on the deaths of others, Javik."

"You already did with the work of the other salarian Maelon when curing the krogan. It is no different."

"He sounds like he'd have taken the human Reaper."

"No. The human Reaper on your... Collector base... would not have ended up in proper hands. It would have been used for Cerberus. The separatists would only have hurt our forces. But in capable hands, technology can be useful, no matter how many died to make it."

"I'm sorry but you can't throw our peoples' lives away just to satisfy your vendetta." Liara bristled at Javik's tone.

"Enough!" Shepard's voice quieted the growing feud. "We go in and we save the squad. That was the whole reason we came."

"But the mission parameters have changed."

"I get your point, Javik, but these are people that I taught." Kaidan finally spoke up and the others turned towards him. "And I promised that I'd help them."

"You should not make promises of preserving life during war. You save who you can and the rest you make their sacrifices worth it."

"Yeah, but I'm not about to sacrifice people - my people - for something that might exist."

"That is not good strategy."

"No offense, but I'm not going to talk strategy with you of all people." Kaidan's fist tightened, something not unnoticed. "I guess it's easy for you to sit back and criticize this cycle for reliving your cycle's mistakes, or maybe your superior attitude is just some kind of sublimation of you thinking the Protheans deserved better, or maybe you're just upset because everyone you knew is dead but don't sit there and lecture us on good strategy when you'd gladly sacrifice any weapon you had to save your people."

"Do not presume to understand me, primitive."

"And don't act like you're better than the rest of us when your cycle already had its chance and blew it."

"Hey." Shepard intervened again. "If I want two strong warriors with conflicting views to threaten each other in full view of everyone, I'll invite Jack and Miranda aboard. Until then, I need you all to keep it together." 

"...Commander."

"Sorry. Commander."

Looking to Kaidan. "Our main goal is to save Epsilon." Looking back to Javik. "And they're stationed in the base itself. If there's anything to find, we can always have a look around while we're there. Good? Now get back to your corners."

 

The Normandy - Shepard's Cabin

 

Kaidan sat on the bed, pensively as the Normandy moved towards Noveria. It had been hard for Kaidan to get any kind of rest. He wasn't sure if Javik was still upset or if the frigid superiority was just in character for him. 

"Hey, Kaidan. You okay?"

"No."

"I'm sorry. We'll be there soon."

"It's me, Shepard. I just... realized I'm not good under pressure. And there's no war without pressure."

"You did fine, Kaidan. My only concern was making sure you didn't... smear the wall with anyone."

"It's not just that. I guess I'm just not as good of a leader as you."

"...Oh, no. This is some kind of deep issue, isn't it. Come on. Let it out."

"You've always been the dependable one. The one who kept it together. Even when things got bleak, you just... did what it is that you do. You said some fancy words, you strutted up and down the bridge, you walked the gauntlet and everyone bought it."

"...I don't strut."

"And everyone watches you and smiles and even if the mission seems like suicide, they feel better knowing you're in charge. And it's not just blind hope, you really... get things done."

"I don't strut, do I?"

"...But when I get put in charge, I try to go it your way but..." He took a deep breath. "The first time I really ever had any command was Horizon. And the Collectors hit. We couldn't even get the damn gun working. Because of me, half the colony got lifted. And because of you, it was only half."

"I did what I had to do. I wasn't looking at the numbers. Saving at least one was a victory. Saving you was a victory."

"Right, but when I get put in charge people question it. When people dislike you, they either get vaporized or they get to the point where they need help and you show up and save them. I don't have that. To be honest... I'm jealous."

"Really?"

"Think about it. You're the first human Spectre. I'm the one who stupidly almost got hit by the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. You're the hero of the Citadel. I'm... the one who couldn't hack it on Virmire. You're the one who brought down the Collector base. I'm the one who couldn't get a gun to work on Horizon. And now I'm the second human Spectre, largely because of my service with you. I think my only saving grace in all of this is that I didn't die after getting my ass handed to me by a synthetic."

"Hey. I have my bad points too."

"Being a control freak and not being able to dance aren't huge character flaws, Shepard."

"Look at Earth. And Thessia."

"Earth you left to assemble a fleet - you got the krogan genophage cured and saved the quarian and the geth fleets. Thessia... well, nobody could've done Thessia any better. And because of it, we put a stop to Sanctuary and saved Miranda. Second human Spectre doesn't mean a whole lot. Especially when a lot of it is due to our relationship... the professional one. I think."

"You've been with me on missions. You know they never go right. They never have. But I always pull through because of my crew."

"And for me, I always fail... despite my crew."

"Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Or at least let me unburden you."

"...I'm sorry, Shepard. It's not something I'm proud of."

"Your jealousy is kind of hot. But you're only seeing what you want to see. You have no idea how much good you've done or how much you're capable of doing."

"...Yeah." Kaidan wasn't fully convinced. "Yeah, I guess."

"...I'm not a control freak though."

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, you are."

"How am I a control freak?"

"Well, if it were just you choosing who goes on your squad, I'd get it. But you always play point. You tell us who to shoot. And where to hit and what power to use - even if they're not fully effective attacks. You even pick out our guns and modify them for us."

"It's coordinating. I coordinate."

"Shepard, you used to dress us."

"I did not."

Kaidan smirked, which turned into a full-fledged smile. "You used to pick out our armor for us."

"I was trying to play up your strengths."

"Even today, you tell us which armor to use, except instead of being a dictator about it, you're like a... like a passive-aggressive teenage girl." Kaidan made a face, impersonating Shepard's. "'Are you wearing that? You know the other armor boosts weapon damage. No, it's your choice. But couldn't we use more weapon damage in the next battle? It's your choice.' Things like that, Shepard."

"That... That's coordinating."

"You coordinated me into Phoenix armor, Shepard."

"It played off your skills very well, Major."

"It was hot pink and did not go well with me at all. Even Garrus was like, 'Well, it's not your best color. It might look better on Liara. She's a summer. You're more of a winter.'"

"I think it looked good on you."

"Hah. Well, thanks. But I'd prefer you not picking out my clothes for me."

"Even if it's a suit with pinstripes that looks like it's from an extranet fetish site?"

"...You're not allowed to remember those things."


	3. Glory Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harmless sexy fluff ahead.

Normandy - Observation Deck

 

It had been a tense few hours for Kaidan as they moved towards Noveria. Out of all the places they'd gone to, Noveria was probably one of the ones that unsettled most of the crew. It was cold, dark, unfriendly and the last time they'd been there they'd gotten involved in corporate espionage and Liara had to deal with the death of her mother. All in all, Noveria was about the last place anyone ever wanted to be. And that was what made it a great place to conduct secret experiments.

Kaidan's mind was on overdrive, trying to deduce what was going on with his team and what could possibly be going wrong. Thinking about one team got him thinking about the other teams, knowing that one was fighting on Earth was probably the biggest knot in his stomach. 

"You'll give yourself an ulcer." Shepard's voice startled him back into reality. He felt Shepard sit down next to him on the couch.

"Well, I'm not having nightmares so... it's a start." Kaidan smiled facetiously.

"We'll be there soon enough. And then no one else has to die."

"Right." Kaidan nodded.

"And it's hard to get nightmares when you don't sleep."

"...Am I that transparent?"

"We share a bed, Kaidan. I can usually tell when you're asleep."

"Yeah."

"And the dark rings under your eyes don't help."

"...Yeah." 

Shepard held Kaidan's hand. "You know you've got my full support on this, Kaidan."

"Thanks, John." Kaidan took a deep breath. "I don't know how you do it. Part of me is completely spiraling. The other part of me is furious and can't wait to make heads roll. And the other part of me just wants this whole thing to be over."

"I get that a lot."

"I think maybe you're better at managing stress than I am. Almost four years and it's turning my hair gray."

"Well, it might be our haircuts."

"...I'm not shaving my head."

"Yeah. Why mess with a good thing?"

"...Maybe I should just dye my hair black."

"And ruin a good thing?"

"No. Bring back the old good thing."

"I like the new good thing too, Kaidan."

"Yeah, okay, I'm just having... senior moments. Not forgetting or losing it but... seeing James as the fresh-faced lieutenant and remembering I used to be that fresh-faced lieutenant... with black hair. I think this war's taken years off my life."

"And dyeing your hair is going to make you feel young again?"

"Maybe. Psychological stuff - you look younger, you feel younger. Besides I bet Rahna aged better than I did."

"Ah. So that's where this is coming from?"

"No." Kaidan scrunched his eyebrows. "Not... completely. I mean... okay. Last time we met I was... way... younger. And it ended on such a bad note. And now... well, I don't know. I want her to be... impressed."

"You mean sad she's missing out on such a good thing?"

"...I mean impressed by my merit and skill and... not looking like... Hackett. Nothing against him, but he used to look like he could be my grandfather. Now he looks like he could be my father."

"I think you've been up here wondering how you can look her in the eyes after all of that... and maybe you want to make her a little bit jealous... Show her how much you've changed and in all the good ways? Maybe recapture your youth?"

"...I don't know. Maybe. As nice as it is having you call me a silver fox, I kind of miss the jet black."

Shepard abruptly pushed Kaidan back onto the sofa, climbing over him, pushing his hands over his head. "If you're having a mid-life crisis on my ship, we could just act like dumb teenagers."

"...John, come on. Get off."

"Make me."

"John."

"Not happening."

"Really, Shepard?"

"Let's see if we can bring back your healthy bronze god glow. What's dumber than a couple of teenagers, blinded by love who can't keep their hands off each other?"

"Yeah, well, we're in an unlocked part of the ship where anyone could walk on." Kaidan didn't like to admit how much he was getting turned on by the danger of it, not to mention Shepard's forceful nature.

"We'll be fine. Just don't make too much noise. Our parents might hear."

"Haha, very funny..." Kaidan struggled against the hands which pressed him into the sofa. Kaidan winced feeling Shepard shift his weight until he was kneeling on both of Kaidan's elbows, effectively straddling his chest. "...John."

Shepard moved his hands over Kaidan's chest, enjoying the tense reaction he was getting from the eyes mixed with fear and anticipation. He quickly pulled his own shirt off before tossing it to the side, his shirt landed on the lounge chair. Kaidan was getting a pretty good eyeful of a very shirtless, eager and imposing Shepard.

"So, Kaidan, are you going to be good or do I have to make you behave?"

"...Make me behave? What are you going to do, torture me?"

"Is that a challenge?"

"No. I just was wondering if you were going to punish me by eating a sandwich over me or if you were going to do something more heinous. Like dancing."

"How about I give you a hickey you can't explain to your girlfriend?" Shepard's tone was flirtatious but dangerous.

Kaidan blushed. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Not when I'm done with you. Does your girlfriend know you make an excellent boyfriend?"

"...You sound like an after school special."

"What's that make me?"

"A bully."

"Well, then I guess I can be mean to you since I am your bully." Shepard gave a sinister grin. "Now where should I begin... chest, stomach or groin?"

"...Are you asking?"

"No. I'm just not sure which one I want to make you beg for me to touch."


	4. Complications of the Cavalry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea what to make Rahna's last name. So... I completely skirted that issue.

Noveria - H27 Landing Zone

 

In order to bypass the problematic security on Noveria, which had been one of... the highlights of the last time they were on Noveria, Steve Cortez had the shuttle flown down to the Landing Zone instead of having the Normandy dock. 

"Did you bring a sweater?" Shepard looked to Kaidan jokingly.

"Yeah. Thanks, Mom."

"You know in my day we had to walk to school in this."

"Uh huh."

"We had to cross Noveria barefoot. Both ways. I had to fight off Thresher Maws with my loose-leaf notebook."

"You're very cute."

The landing zone was cold, snowy and windy. Bad memories flooded back for Liara who seemed more solemn than before. Tali was fiddling with her suit, probably trying to work the environmental heating.

"Hey, Tali. Got a toaster in there?" Garrus looked over to Tali.

"I wish."

"A pity no one seems to have invented heating on this rock."

"Time to put on your big boy pants, Scars. This here's Mother Nature's fury." James seemed energetic, despite the shivering.

"Right... When you get sick, try not to breathe near Tali."

Tali immediately moved away from James. Humans and their germs.

A woman with dark skin and dark hair moved up towards the landing zone, wearing possibly the biggest snow jacket anyone had ever seen and full battle armor underneath. She pulled down her hood and Kaidan felt the knot in his stomach tighten.

"Kaidan?"

"Rahna."

The two moved towards each other, Rahna smiling ear to ear... Kaidan looking like he was smiling despite indigestion. She moved forward and hugged him and he hugged back, nervously.

"I'm glad you're here. Should I... be calling you Major Alenko?"

"Uh... no. You don't have to."

"Okay, good." She smiled and moved to the crew, her face becoming a bit more solemn. "Thank you all for coming."

"No problem. We were glad to help." Shepard spoke up and she smiled.

"Commander Shepard. I recognize you from the vids. Kaidan's lucky to have a friend like you."

"I'm lucky to have a friend like Kaidan."

"I imagine it was because of you that Kaidan made it to be Spectre, Commander."

"Haha... Ouch." Kaidan smirked.

"...I didn't mean it like that."

"Kaidan earned it. The Council chose him based on his skill and bravery."

"Right. I... only meant that serving under you must have helped get him ready for that. Is what I meant to say." Rahna nodded.

"...Well, shooting geth and making them fly did improve his uptight attitude." Garrus shrugged.

"You should talk, Archangel." Tali deadpanned.

"That's right. If I remember right... three mercenary groups... and a gunship." Liara gave Garrus a look.

"Jeff told me an interesting joke about Garrus involving... beating people to death with a stick. Which he kept up-"

"Let's not go there, EDI." 

"Oh." Rahna looked towards Garrus, her expression changing. She was suddenly nervous and held her arm. "You... must be friends of the Commander and Kaidan. Welcome."

Kaidan caught the look and moved towards Rahna. "We should probably get inside. Before Joker gets his tongue stuck to EDI."

 

The outside of the H27 building was... battle-scarred. The sign looked like some of the paint was obliterated, scorch marks were scattered along the hallway. It seemed like the front doors to the place had been pushed inwards by something big and strong, to the point where the doors wouldn't close all the way, making them impossible to lock. As they walked down, it was warmer than outside but the draft was undeniable.

The hallway must've been built into the mountain, they were going down on a slope. The hallway had more scorch marks and bits of... alien blood and bits, corpses of creatures must have been dumped outside somewhere. Part of the paint job was disintegrated from exposure to gunfire and biotics, the underneath was a cold silver metallic color.

There was a small group of them by the end of the hallway, holding position. Three of them were on guard and six more resting. Two more were still awake, looking tired and upset but alive. Their eyes brightened a bit seeing Kaidan.

"Professor!"

"Hey, guys." Kaidan smiled. 

"Professor Alenko?" Tali's tone was surprised. "It doesn't quite sound right."

"I think the title suits him." Liara nodded approvingly. 

"You're here to rescue us?"

"Something like that."

"I can have the shuttle in whenever you need it."

"...That's appreciated but, we still have a mission to accomplish here." Rahna spoke and the group's smiles faded. They were a little bit older than the group of students from Grissom Academy, but not by much.

"Rahna, what is the mission?"

"Kaidan it's... classified."

"Come on, Rahna you answer to Hackett and so do we. Whatever it is, you can tell us."

"...Are you sure you can..." She glanced towards the group, specifically Liara, Tali, Javik and Garrus. "...trust them? Can you really say that you'd trust them no matter what?"

Kaidan's face contorted. "Of course I can trust them. They're my friends, Rahna. And they're a hell of a group."

Rahna nodded, solemn but unyielding. "Well, you may trust them... Major... but I don't. And I can't let them jeopardize the mission."

"Do I have to invoke my Spectre status or something?"

"Please, don't push this, Kaidan."

"I deserve to know why my squad of twenty-five is down to eleven, Rahna."

"No. You were their teacher. I am the commanding officer. You do not have any right to interfere just because of your... stubborn interests."

"Stubborn? Me?" Kaidan scoffed.

"Hey." Shepard moved in to break the two apart. "It's fine. It's not like she's going to set off a bomb and endanger the squad. Just... What do you need?"

"Time, really. I just need... time to accomplish the mission and time to tend to the wounded."

"Wounded?"

"There are twelve in the original squad still alive, not eleven." Rahna took a deep breath. "She's been in bad shape ever since a brute ripped through the doors. I'm looking after her."

There was a collective silence among the group of Kaidan's students. They looked rather gaunt. It was hard to eat well on supply rations. It was probably harder still when using biotics burned calories. 

"Get down!" One student reached for her gun and fired up at the ceiling. Everyone went on high alert before she ran out of ammo.

"Lisa, get a hold of yourself!" Rahna shouted at her. There was nothing there.

"But... I saw. No I did see..."

"Lisa, have something to eat and go to sleep."

Rahna rubbed her temple with her fingers. "Things like that have been happening more often. The Reapers had them spooked before but it got worse with those damn banshees." Lisa moved off to get something to eat, shaking. "The first time we saw those mutated asari, we lost six people in one day. You have no idea what seeing a shrieking demon does to people who are trained to fight with their minds."

"I have an idea..." Liara nodded, understandingly.

"Now we can't tell if it's the wind blowing or one of them. Some nights it gets so bad with the wind screeching down the mountaintops..." Rahna took a deep breath. "I'm glad you're here. Truly. There's... just so much to do, Kaidan." 

"Do you need any assistance?" Garrus spoke up and Rahna's face blanched. "We have a doctor and... Tali is probably pretty good at medicine, having to patch herself up all the time."

"Garrus, I'm not a medical doctor."

"...I appreciate the offer but... your friend's a quarian right? The girl who's being treated is being kept in the same area as..." Rahna's smile faltered and it didn't come back when she looked to Garrus. "We had the injured in one place. Most of them... succumbed and there was nowhere else to put them. By now, their bodies are..." Probably decomposing, is what she wanted to say, but she couldn't get the words out.

"I understand." Tali nodded, grateful. Decomposing bodies were at the very least unpleasant but all of the germs could really hurt her.

"So you need to work alone?"

"Yes. I think that would be best."

"Then let's get the eleven we do have out of here." Kaidan's voice was firm in that matter.

"Kaidan."

"You're basically the one doing the mission yourself while the others guard you right? We can guard you better than the kids."

"You cannot!"

"Rahna, they're dead on their feet. They're losing it and we have way more experience than they do to boot."

"Kaidan, I can't trust your... people."

"Then trust me, Rahna."

"..." Rahna made a face as she moved towards the back room. "Fine. Just... let me work and keep me safe. I... don't want to see any of the fighting. If you can help that."

"You want me to send Steve with the shuttle?" Shepard looked over to Kaidan.

"Do it."

"Sir, we can't let you do this. This is our mission." One of his students moved over to him.

"Sir... you trained us for this." Another one added in.

"And I am way past caring." Kaidan looked towards them. "You're tired, hungry and one of your squad is hallucinating. What the hell else can you do? Now, go sit your asses back the hell down because I'm just not having it."

Shepard smiled a bit to himself as he called for Steve. 

As they waited for the shuttle, Kaidan had the kids get ready to go and though it was a cramped situation, the eleven of them were sent back to the Normandy to receive medical attention and be sent off wherever Hackett needed them... after they'd rested of course.

Once they were gone, Shepard looked back to the group. 

"Tali, Javik, EDI, James, see if you can get the doors shut and working again. We don't know how long we'll be here and we need the doors and alarms working properly. Plus, I'd rather not have Tali die of a cold."

"Yes, yes, very funny."

"Garrus..." Shepard took a deep breath. "Although it fills me with an incredible amount of dread, see if you can do something about our defenses."

"Booby traps?" Garrus sounded excited.

"...Ones that won't kill our squad."

"Are you sure? There's not much material to work with to make something... special."

"Then focus on strategies for dealing with Reaper forces in close combat."

"Mm... Okay. But that's less fun."

"Shepard, what would you like me to do?" Liara smiled helpfully.

"...Go with Garrus and make sure he doesn't blow us all to hell."


	5. What's Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get the feeling Shepard is way too affectionate for his own good.

Noveria - H27 Base

 

Shepard found his way over to Kaidan who was sitting near the back of the room. Before, it must have been a foyer or an entry point. There were tables that had been flipped over for cover and chairs used for barricades. Kaidan had pulled a chair and a table out to sit down at while he guarded the door where Rahna was working. 

Most of the group was trying to rework the doors and every so often Tali would run by, looking through the barricade for scrap metal or anything to help move fixing the doors along. Every so often James cursing in Spanish would echo down the hallway... usually followed by Javik's laughter. 

Garrus and Liara were patrolling the room as Garrus looked over the security points that he could make out. Liara continually looked like she was dealing with a crazy person because when Garrus spoke, she usually made a face as if Garrus had suggested that they turn the security cameras into laser death rays.

"So... that was hot."

"You can fix the thermostat. It was getting pretty nippy so I-"

"I meant you, Major."

"Oh. Wait, what?"

"Giving orders, taking names, taking charge. I like it."

"Hah... Yeah. Well, I learned from the best."

"While you were serving under me."

"...Yeah, that wasn't funny back then and it isn't now."

"And it's still such a pleasure."

"We're on a mission in the back end of nowhere and my CO is making a pass at me."

"I'm proud of you."

"Why's that?"

"Because you're a good teacher. You reminded me of Jack. Except she would've punched Rahna out and evacuated her guys in a heartbeat."

"Well, that's a kind of greatness that... I don't think I can aspire to." He shook his head. "I wouldn't punch her anyway."

"I know. That was the joke."

"It's just that she's... been through so much already."

"Is she an L2 like you?"

"Maybe? I don't know. I would assume so. Biotics were still... a bit sketchy when there was Brain Camp. Didn't really know who was what, just knew we were what."

"...Uh huh."

"Well, you got them out of here. So, I call that a win."

"Do you? ...I wouldn't. A squad of twenty-five cadets, one commanding officer and... they lost the first CO and now they're down to twelve guys. Buddies. People you work for. How can it not hurt to know that people you served with are dead?"

"Right. The memorial wall on the Normandy is... always sobering."

"Exactly. And these are kids that I've taught. Knowing that they were here... And losing it. And that most of their reserves aren't anywhere near adequate, just... makes me crazy."

"What's wrong with the food? They looked like they had enough."

"Shepard, those are the things you give to marines. They... fill you up and keep you going but they're not the right stuff to give a biotic. Biotics burn calories when they use their powers. If you're in a really bad way, you could burn upwards of a thousand in a few hours. They had to deal with this for... I don't even want to think about how long."

"Is that why you're always hungry?"

Kaidan made a face of surprise and smiled somewhat, despite the situation. "Yeah, look who's talking. You drink like a fish and eat like a krogan."

"I think you've depopulated the cow population by now."

"Steak is different. It's... it's protein to keep you going, and there's fat to give you more calories."

"So this is your diet secret, biotics and steak. I was wondering where you got such nice abs from."

"You make it sound like... like I was doughy before."

"No, but you grew very impressive abs. I'm waiting for the breaking diet plan - Spectre Kaidan Alenko Shares Diet Tips. The Alenko Blue Diet - Beef, Bacon, Beer and Biotics."

"You're hilarious. Truly."

"I wonder if that's why you never see an overweight asari. Maybe that's why. I mean, we only seem to encounter asari commandos and justicars and basically fighting asari but... maybe weight loss for asaris is just biotic-based. I mean, they all have biotics. Huh. And just like that, women of earth demand to become biotics."

"Are you done?"

"'I can't go the asari Prom.' 'Why not?' 'I'm bloated!' 'That's okay. Just do some Singularities. You'll slim down in time for the big dance.'" 

"...If you were single, this would be the reason that you'd be single."

"I'd be Sing...ularity."

"...No."

"No?"

"No."

"Fine."

"And no jokes about me being a teacher."

"I wasn't going to."

"Uh huh."

"Okay, I may have considered some... scenarios where you're the hardass teacher giving orders. But I kept them to myself."

"...Yeah. I thought so."

"Professor Alenko."

"It sounds creepy coming from you."

"'I forgot my homework, Professor Alenko... is there... some OTHER way I could make it up?'"

"...Thanks, Shepard."

"For what?"

Kaidan got up from the table and shook his head, walking a bit further. Shepard followed after him.

"Every so often in this war... it just really hits home. How much we're losing. I believe we'll win and stop the Reapers but then... what's going to be left? Yeah, we'll rebuild. Things get rebuilt. And it's fine. The rubble gets cleared and people clean up the blood and bury their dead but then you're left with counting headstones. And this war just added thirteen more."

"Kaidan, you can't blame yourself for that."

"I know. I... don't know if I can do it in practice, but I know. There have been so many times where I think I'm losing it. Hearing casualty reports - five million dead on Palaven, another few million on Thessia, how many people died when the Reapers hit Kar'Shan and Earth. Every so often the numbers just numb me and I don't know how to feel. I think about Vancouver... being there and seeing places I used to hang out just... gone. And it's a little hard to focus on anything. This war keeps giving me reasons to be upset... but is it wrong to be grateful that it gave me you?"

"No, Kaidan. It's not."

Before he knew it, Kaidan was kissing Shepard. Again. Different from earlier, but no less meaningful. It was a shame they didn't have any time alone but maybe when the mission was over. Kaidan's eyes snapped open and a chill ran down his spine. 

He turned his head, breaking the kiss, Shepard following his eyes and immediately letting Kaidan go.

"...Rahna."

"...Hey. I..." Rahna's face was twisted in surprise, and some other emotion that Kaidan would never have understood. "...You know? It's fine. I'm fine. I'll get back to work. And... working. I just... wanted to say thanks and... that we may need to go to the deeper levels to get some... more information." She was averting her eyes and shaking her head as she spoke. "But, let me... get back to work I should be working."

"Rahna, wait."

"It's fine, give me some time to work and I'll get... to you then."

The door closed on Kaidan.

"...Shit!"


	6. Give and Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible at naming chapters. Also, enjoy some terribly bittersweet fluff.

The Normandy - Observation Deck, a day before the mission to Noveria

 

Kaidan had been checking his messages frantically ever since coming in contact with Rahna again. There weren't many worlds that had QECs, but Rahna seemed to be able to get through well enough. It was nice to hear from someone - anyone he used to know. Since he couldn't get much word on his parents or many of his students, he seemed particularly anxious to speak to Rahna again.

Once he'd seen she sent a message, he began furiously typing to her.

 

R: Kaidan, is that really you?

K: Hey. Yeah, it's me.

R: ...You'll forgive me for asking for proof, right?

K: Uh, not sure how to prove that.

R: Well, what was the funniest thing that ever happened to you when we were at Jump Zero?

K: ...Wait, funny for me or funny for you? Because you thought the biotic flare setting off the sprinklers was hilarious but I did not.

R: I was going more for the time you set your apron on fire making steak.

K: It said flame resistant.

R: And then the sprinklers went off.

K: Which wasn't funny.

[Long period of no typing from Rahna]

K: Are you still there?

R: Yes. I'm here. Sorry.

K: What's wrong?

R: Everyone's asleep and I started crying so I had to get a tissue. Quietly.

K: We'll get there soon, I promise.

R: I know. I'm sorry. This whole mission just isn't working out.

K: What happened?

R: We lost a lot of people. Their old CO too. They're really hurting. And I'm no leader.

K: I'm sure they wouldn't have picked you if they didn't think you could do it.

R: No, they picked me because they needed my technical skills. I was supposed to be a... free agent? No. I don't know what the word is. I wasn't supposed to be leading the team. Their CO was. I was supposed to gather the intel while they protected me.

K: Why not send another person to lead the squad?

R: I don't know. Probably my history at Jump Zero? I think they couldn't spare anyone or they were afraid... Their CO was actually a Cerberus agent. He was indoctrinated and when they caught him he shot his face off.

K: Oh, God.

R: This mission wasn't supposed to go. It was supposed to be dead in the water. But the higher ups pushed it through anyway. They said it might help the Crucible or give us more time in key systems.

K: What's the mission? What's the objective and what are you looking for?

R: Kaidan, you know I can't tell you that especially on unsecured channels.

K: ...Fine. Have you found anything?

R: I honestly don't know. But the more I look into it the more the Reapers press in on us. I'm either getting close or they don't want me to figure out I'm barking up the wrong tree.

K: Wait, how did you get turned into CO?

R: Like I said, nobody to spare? I guess? They pushed it through but didn't give us anyone. They saw my history as a biotic and thought I'd be a good fit for a leader because I'm the only one in your squad who has any rank. I guess I'm acting-captain but my rank isn't... Kaidan, I'm not a field agent.

K: You're not?

R: No. After Jump Zero I just... couldn't. I didn't want that. Most of my jobs are encryption and support. You know, Sentinel stuff. Before this I was trying to work on disassembling Reaper codes in the Athena nebula with the Alliance so we might get a leg-up on them. You know. Asari space. No fighting. And then suddenly Thessia's gone and asari are everywhere and now I've got my superiors saying get it done because I'm Alliance and I've got a squad that doesn't trust me. And I can't blame them. I'm not a leader.

K: You're going to be fine. I promise. Shepard and I are on our way.

R: I know. I'm sorry. I know. I just can't help but look back on every dead squad member and think it could've been avoided if I knew what I was doing.

K: You're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

R: Could we change topics? Would that be okay?

K: Yeah, sure but... don't you have to do more work? I'm not distracting you?

R: No. When I work, that's when the bad things happen. It's like... when I get closer, they know somehow. The Reapers know and when I work, they launch at us. I don't really get it. My theory is that when I'm not working, the Reapers think their forces killed us and then when I start up again, they know we're still alive. Distracting me from the nightmare I'm living would be wonderful.

K: Uh... I'm not really good at this. What do you want to talk about?

R: Well, tell me about you.

K: ...You know about me.

R: Wow, you're still really bad at this. I mean... you. I heard you became second human Spectre, Major. Very impressive.

K: Thanks but... you know I don't really know how to respond to congratulations.

R: Yeah, you always were awkward.

K: Ouch.

R: I'm sure you're making a woman very proud.

K: My mom's always proud of me that's kind of her thing.

R: No! I meant a girlfriend, doofus. You have a girlfriend don't you? Wife?

K: Well [long pause] I guess you could say that. It's not how I'd put it.

R: Uh huh. I bet you being one of only two human Spectres makes you a babe magnet.

K: Believe it or not, me being a Spectre isn't what brought her to me.

R: Come on, Kai. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you found someone but your accomplishments and everything are probably a factor.

K: I doubt it.

R: Does she serve with you on the Normandy?

K: Yeah.

R: Isn't fraternization risky?

K: Well, I am a Spectre, right?

R: Sneaky. Wait. Is she human? I heard there are aliens on your ship. You strike me as a human or asari guy.

K: Human.

R: Good for you.

K: But the aliens are nice.

R: Did that sound racist? Crap. Don't get me wrong, I can see why guys would fall for asari since they have legs and tits for days but turian ladies just seem like they'd be... rough. And salarian women all remind me of dalatrasses, which I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy. And... well, quarian women are rare around here and I can't see you being alive if a krogan lady got her hands on you. I mean she'd either break your pelvis or... well, a krogan guy would break your everything. 

K: Thanks. I didn't need all the visuals, but thanks.

R: And really, I always imagined you wanting kids. Not that you couldn't have kids with an asari but you seem more like a human person to me. Though I can imagine you getting your ass run ragged by a couple of daughters.

K: We're... not thinking that far ahead.

R: Right. Sorry. Is she pretty?

K: Who?

R: Your girlfriend, idiot.

K: I guess? To some I bet.

R: Ouch, hate to be you if she reads this.

K: That's not what I meant. It just wasn't all [long pause] about the physical with us.

R: But I bet you two get to get physical as a Spectre. Kind of noir.

K: It was more about emotional. The emotional. When you care about a person for a while in one way but then one day you realize... you could have that with them, if you were brave enough to ask. So it wasn't all physical, you know? I knew [long pause] her since Eden Prime but we only got together recently. It was more, "You're the kind of person I want in my life." And then realizing that kind of person was them. And it was strange and different for me. But that's just how it went. To be honest, it wasn't someone I thought I could love until I did.

R: That's kind of really romantic, Kaidan.

K: Yeah.

R: Tell me more about her when you land, will you?

K: Yeah. I will.

R: I gotta go. I need to go to sleep before it's my turn to stand watch. Later!

 

Kaidan moved back from the screen now that the conversation was ended. He hated lying to Rahna of all people. He felt even worse that he was lying about Shepard. Not that lying was completely out of the question for him, but he didn't want Shepard to look back and think he was ashamed of him. Kaidan didn't want Shepard to feel like their relationship was some huge dirty secret. But the way it had worked out, it was more awkward than a dirty secret.

Kaidan didn't want Shepard to think that their relationship didn't mean what it did to him.

Feeling like he was letting Shepard down or that he'd disappoint him somehow was probably one of the worst feelings... right next to lying to his friends.

"Shit, no wonder my hair's turning gray."


	7. Suspension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The suspension bridge effect in psychology is the theory that being scared or the adrenaline rush by danger/fear is conducive to love because love and fear have the same physiological effects like rapid heart beat, nausea, pupil dilation etc. and goes on to say that those that share traumatic or scary events may feel closer to each other than they would otherwise.
> 
> Everything is awkward, so let's save the world.

Noveria - The H27 Base, back of the facility's top level

 

"Rahna."

It was probably the seventeenth time he'd said her name at the door. He wasn't sure if the door was soundproof or not. Shepard was now assisting Liara and Garrus, but kept looking in Kaidan's direction every so often. Right now he thought it best to give the two some space. Being close to Kaidan made him feel even guiltier.

The door opened and Kaidan backed up to give Rahna space as she moved out. She looked to him and looked away.

"Could you please not tap on the door? You're... disturbing the patient." She nodded and looked away.

"Rahna could we..." Rahna moved from the door, looking to the doors.

"I was on the terminal for a long time and nothing. Maybe you've frightened the Reapers."

"Rahna."

"Or they're consolidating their forces to make a big strike. Or they're doing Reaper things with Reaper thought that we wouldn't understand."

"Rahna, would you please just look at me?"

"Kaidan, looking at you or talking to you doesn't accomplish the mission and it doesn't make anything better."

"I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Are you? That's nice. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I didn't catch on. I'm sorry that you made me look stupid when we were talking about it in our conversations. I'm sorry that you didn't correct me as I went on and on being stupid. I'm sorry that I am the only person in this entire facility now that didn't know that you were with the Commander. I'm sorry that I'm so stupid that I can't tell these things about people. And I'm sorry that apparently you didn't think you could tell me you'd switched teams."

"Hey. That's not fair."

"What was all of it then? Were you making fun of me? Was it some... bet that you made with the Commander, 'Hey, look, this girl and I almost had a thing I bet I could make a fool out of her'?"

"No, Rahna. It had nothing to do with you."

"Nothing to do with me?"

"Exactly. We came to rescue you and my squad. I just decided maybe the direction of my life would make you uncomfortable."

"Well, thank you for deciding what I can and cannot handle. Thank goodness you're here, Kaidan. I'm so glad you're here to protect me from all the awkwardness."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"You made me feel like an idiot. All this time you liked men and you didn't even let me know?"

"I don't like all men, I like Shepard."

Rahna made a face. "Kaidan, that makes no sense. John Shepard is a man."

"John Shepard is someone that I love but that doesn't mean I suddenly like all men or that I've never liked women."

"I just... what is it about him then? Is it because he's saved your life? Or was it one of those, 'you know what, I might like men' days?"

"It's not really your business and I don't think you get to decide that because I'm the only one who does."

"You're my friend, I'm just worried that maybe it's some kind of... arrangement you have where he gets to take advantage of you. I don't know, Kaidan. You never kept in touch. I don't know if this is something you've felt for a while or if you're confused or if it's the suspension bridge effect." Rahna took a breath. "And I'm wondering if you and I had ever been together in any way if this would be an issue."

"Yeah, well, we're not together."

"I'm abundantly aware of that."

"...And we never were because you left."

"I'm also very aware of that. There's not a day that goes by that I don't remember what you're... capable of, Major." Rahna stared hard at him. "But that didn't change how I felt, it made it worse. And I'm sorry that I had so much faith in you and you apparently have so little in me."

"Yeah? Well, you basically accused me of having a fetish of being dominated by men, so maybe it was well-placed mistrust in your ability to deal with things."

"Or maybe I'm just jealous that the only person who could break through your... barrier was a man. Oh, but of course he could, he's Commander Shepard. Hero of Eden Prime, Horizon, the Omega-4 Relay, the Citadel... How am I not supposed to think that maybe, just maybe, the reason you ended up with him is because he keeps saving your life. Maybe if I had the power to save your life you wouldn't have kept me at arms length only to appear in just the nick of time to kill for me."

"Hey-!"

"You and I know damn well that the only reason you were ever alone is because you never let anyone in. So, I'm sorry that I react badly to it. I don't know which is worse. Thinking that you might be gay and just realized in which case I was an idiot for ever feeling anything for you ever. Or thinking that you're bisexual and that it was somehow just me that you didn't like well enough to let me in. Or that maybe it's like you say and it's just Commander Shepard you like, which means you see him as on your level."

"It is not about you, Rahna. I don't know how many ways I can say it to you, but it's not about you. It's about me. Who I love and who I want is about me and not you. Us not ending up together isn't because I didn't want us to, it's because we never did."

Rahna's voice went quiet and she pivoted on her heels. "...Exactly."

Kaidan's voice softened. "Wait, what?"

"...I need to get my instruments. We need to go down a few levels to continue, I can't access everything I need here. And then the mission will be complete. It would be best if you... or some of you accompany me. The others can hold the door." 

Garrus moved forward, once the voices seemed to quiet from their end. Of course everyone had probably heard them, but they had the decency not to mention it or get involved.

"Is there anything you need?"

Rahna spun around to address the voice and shrieked seeing Garrus, backing up and began to glow blue as she powered up her biotics. Kaidan moved directly in front of Garrus, his barriers turning up.

"Rahna, calm down!"

"Could... could you please keep your turian away? Please?! I'm..." Rahna's glow ceased and she took a deep breath, her hands shaking. "...I'm sorry. Just. Let me get my things. And I should... make sure the patient will be okay while we're gone. I'm sorry..."

Rahna moved away as quickly as possible.

"I... uh..."

"It's not you, Garrus. It's... turians. After what happened at Jump Zero it-"

"No need to explain, I'm sure it's a long story. I'll just... go... calibrate something."

Kaidan took a deep breath and backed away. His fist turned blue.

"Everything okay... Major?" Shepard's voice. Probably not the voice he wanted to hear at this moment.

"...No. Everything's shit, Commander." He puffed a breath of hot air. "I really... really just want to levitate every piece of furniture in this room."

"Would that make you feel better?"

"...No. Well. Yeah, probably for a second. No. Not really."

Kaidan relentlessly rubbed his forehead as his tension mounted.

"Hey... Are you sick?"

He shook his head. "No, Shepard ...I've... got a migraine. Had one ever since we got here."

Shepard moved and gave Kaidan a kiss on the forehead. Kaidan almost cracked a smile.

"...Don't be nice to me right now."

"I'll take that under advisement."

"Is that Commander-talk for not a chance."

"Uh huh." He murmured. "Or if you prefer how Ashley would put it, 'With all due respect, shut the fuck up.'"


	8. Hit and Miss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exposition I make up as I go!

Noveria - H27 Base, By the Elevator

 

Rahna appeared with her things and Kaidan took notice.

"Are you ready to move?"

"...Yeah. I think so."

"Good. Don't leave without me." Kaidan gave her a stern look. "I'm going to get some of the others to come with us while the others watch the doors."

"...Good." Rahna nodded. "Just... Kaidan. Not..."

"Not the turian, I know."

She sighed unhappily as he left. 

Shepard approached Rahna, doing his best to be professional. She rubbed her hands together and when she turned and saw him, she nearly jumped.

"Commander."

"...Is there going to be a problem between you and Kaidan?"

"No. No... I... don't think so."

"And what about you and Garrus?"

"Who?"

"The turian."

"...Oh." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I know... I know it sounds terrible and... xenophobic but I don't hate the turians I just... I'm afraid of them. They... remind me of someone I used to know."

"Commander Vyrnnus?" Shepard crossed his arms.

"Kaidan told you about that? ...Of course he did. You're together. Right. He would."

"Is there a problem? With Kaidan... and I?"

"...In all honesty, it's not something I expected. I... let me just start from the beginning, could I? Before Kaidan gets back."

"By all means."

"I'm from Earth. My parents lived in Istanbul. My dad had fought in the First Contact War against the turians. Right out of the gate and humanity is already involved in wars. My mother worked as an engineer by the docks that my father owned. She was repairing those... you know, the metal clamps that hold a ship down like the ones on the Citadel when you dock? Yeah, well, before she knew it two transport vehicles crashed over the Golden Horn and their eezo drive cores fell into the air and she just happened to be pregnant. And before I knew it, I was sent up to Brain Camp and being psychologically tortured by people who wanted to know all about human biotics and being drilled by a turian with a chip on his shoulder."

"I can imagine. It sounds like it was rough." Shepard could only help but imagine Jack's treatment on Pragia. It wasn't as if BAat and Pragia were that far apart in terms of time.

"...With all due respect, Commander, you have no idea. Turians don't believe in biotics. They find them strange. So there we were trapped with a turian biotic, used to being shunted aside and now he had all the power he wanted as long as he could produce results. We all knew that. I guess he wanted to be able to march back to Palaven with a success story. It was... dreadful. I was still a teenager. I'd have an acne flair up and everything would be floating. While I was there I wasn't allowed to hear from my parents at all, the only thing we had was each other and... it just made me hate military life."

"Why's that?"

"Drills. And drills... and drills... Vyrnnus would go on and on about how the Hierarchy would issue daily exercise regiments and survival training and... he was way too intense. You have to keep in mind that we were teenagers, not soldiers, and not all of us volunteered. The story was that the people behind Jump Zero would pay off families to send their kids there. Which made sense if you believe the rumors about them setting up transport crashes to make biotics. Think of it: homeless pregnant mothers, nowhere to turn to, but surprise their child is a biotic and some nice men in suits come by and offer you money. Who wouldn't take it?"

"I get it. I grew up on the streets myself."

"And you're a biotic." Rahna gave a wry face. "Imagine that. Biotic drills mixed with regular boot camp. Some days we'd burn more calories than we could eat in a day. And when you've grown up on the streets, you don't have much in terms of... reserves, anyway. One good thing I guess, plain old vanity... Never had to worry about being overweight as a teen. Casting warps on practice dummies, pulling chairs and desks as you worked manual chores. If they were feeling sadistic, you'd have to lip and pull a mop all along the mess hall. And if they were feeling particularly unhappy with you, they'd make you lift barbells with your mind." She paused. "I hated almost every moment there."

"Why didn't they step in and stop Vyrnnus?"

"We were poor dumb humans. The asari have known about biotics for ages, krogan too... turians longer than humans, though they don't trust it... We knew nothing about biotics then. If we'd had the asari there, I'm sure things would've been more peaceful. Maybe we would've seen how the asari train their children for biotics. But we got Vyrnnus. Maybe they wanted to play nice with the turians... like your ship. Or maybe they thought the asari were too soft for the kind of military application they wanted it for. Kids dropped left and right, either from injuries or malnutrition but the Alliance being involved in some way was probably what kept it from being... a black ops Cerberus-esque fiasco."

"You said almost every moment?"

"We were friends. A lot of us, anyway. We spent so much time hating Vyrnnus and every adult that we had to like each other. Some of them are married today. I had a friend who liked a guy, but was dating another. She was so afraid that her boyfriend and the guy she liked would ruin the little peace we had that she nearly launched herself out of the airlock."

"...You... must be joking."

"Ask Kaidan about it some time. It... didn't end with her death, but long story short, she lost an arm and got sent home. Long story made a bit longer than that? Did you know that when you break a window on a space vessel, you get sucked out until the emergency drop windows come down? They come down with the force of a battleaxe or a guillotine."

Shepard made a face. Kaidan had never told him anything about things like that. "I'm... sorry."

"Because of Vyrnnus I watched friends break. I watched people I cared about break into sobs because their preliminary implants were overheating inside their head. I know what people can do under stress and what they can't now. The only reason I never broke was because I had people to look out for me. I don't know if it was because they liked me, or it was just principle. But they were my friends."

"And you and Kaidan?"

"We were close. Not... as close as you two are. I don't mean that in any derogatory way, please believe me, it's just... I know his entire life story. We had nothing to do but share things about ourselves to each other to pass the time or to unwind. To make us think of the good times, we'd remember everything. I know that when Kaidan levitated his bike when he was younger and sent it sailing through his parents' bedroom window. I know that Kaidan hates peaches, not because of the taste, but because when he was in Vancouver there was a peach tree a few yards from his house and he grabbed a peach and bit into it only to discover that a group of wasps had made it their home and they stung him unmercifully. I know stupider things than that... like how Kaidan once went streaking through a park because he drank too much and his parents found out when... his unmentionables, which had his name sewn into them, were delivered. I also know that the worst scolding and punishment he ever got was when he tried red sand because he'd heard it increased the power of biotics and he wanted to see if he could lift a car. His father went supernova on him for that."

Shepard was... amazed. He began to wonder about all the things he knew about Kaidan. They seemed comparatively less. "You know Kaidan pretty well."

"And he knows about me. All about me. Things that seem stupid now. Things I probably don't remember telling him. And things I wouldn't repeat to anyone. But you know him in a different way."

"...Are you... jealous of me?"

"I'm... frankly, I'm just... mad? Mad at myself? Mad at him? Sure, we drifted apart in a significant way but he used to tell me everything. He told me about how he wanted to grow up and be in the Alliance like his father. God, I knew him back when he was still worried about his hair being a bit poofy and now... he's getting gray." She turned to Shepard. "And this? You and him? He doesn't tell me about it? He either thought I couldn't handle it or... we're just not as good of friends as we used to be. And I don't much care for either of those."

"It... must be difficult for you."

"The man was my first kiss and now he's too guarded around me to tell me he's switched teams?"

"...Bisexual." Shepard corrected her. "He's loved women. He just... discovered that he could like men, too."

"...Forgive me for being the homophobic bigot, but I'm not sure I believe that."

"It's the truth. Whether you believe it or not, Kaidan... he's complicated but he's good at finding something to love."

"I mean, we kissed before but he was always so tentative about it. Like he wanted to... like he wanted to do a lot, but like he was afraid what would happen if he did."

"Yeah, he still does that."

"...I'm not sure I want to hear this."

"Any time we get alone, he's always giving me puppy dog eyes. Like he's expecting to mess up. You have to give him a pat on the head. And sometimes if you scratch his belly, his leg jiggles."

"Ahah... I miss the puppy dog eyes. He..." She took a deep breath. "He means a lot to me."

"Kaidan says you lost contact after Vyrnnus died?"

"After Kaidan killed him." Rahna corrected him. "I was... so mad at myself. I was tired and angry. And I wanted to go home and I just wanted a drink of water. For once, could something be easy? It was something like that. I couldn't go home but at least I could get something to drink. And before I knew it, my hand was touching the glass and I knew I was a goner. Everyone practically dropped what they were holding up and the next thing I knew Vyrnnus has... his hand... with the weird... fingers that aren't all there... on my arm and he's yelling at me and he looks like a tiger with his jaws and I think he told me that he'd give me added incentive to not use my hands and then he broke my arm. He... was going on and on about regulation and the army and I kept thinking, 'Well, no, when you're in the middle of battle, you don't break your ally's arm because they grabbed the wrong weapon!'... And the next thing I know, Kaidan's snapped his neck. What was I supposed to think? I was... grateful? I suppose? But to just throw your power around because you're upset? I... he seemed so much like Vyrnnus then... his eyes were so angry and I've never heard him yell before."

"And then you parted ways?"

"...That was mostly my fault. I just couldn't look at him. He'd send me message after message from Vancouver and I'd just ignore them. And finally... the last message came, 'Rahna, I wish I knew what to say to you. But you won't let me apologize. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep breaking you over and over again trying to force you to forgive me. I understand that now. I was being selfish. Be happy. I love you. Kaidan.' God, I read that so many times I have it memorized. Don't... tell him that. After that... I had my biotics but I never wanted to be on the front lines. Ever. I knew I'd probably never see Kaidan again. I knew he'd be in the Alliance. Front lines. I... was more into engineering like my mother. Computers and machines and then suddenly I was in the Athena nebula and they had me learning how to use a pistol. And now here I am. Is... it wrong to be jealous of you?"

"No. I don't think so."

"...I always wished we'd meet again. I was too scared to ever initiate contact myself until I had no choice. The dream was that he'd come in, we'd... rekindle something and... Well, I knew from our messages that that was over. But a part of me was... very jealous. I thought, serving on the Normandy she might die at any moment. That's... a really horrible thing to think. And knowing that it was a man and you at that... nothing can kill Shepard. Except a Reaper-Collector ship. And sometimes not even then."

"You still love him?"

"I still dream about us. There are some people who just know you. Inside and out. And for me that was Kaidan. With other guys, you can tell them about yourself but you can't feel the same thing. When you love someone and it feels desperate because you might die, it just feels... desperate. People now are hooking up so they don't have to face an end alone. With us it was we depended on each other because we knew that was the only way to live. It was us against the world and we could win, only if we stayed together. With Kaidan and I it was 'You can do this!' and anyone else it's more 'Please, don't leave me!' That's... a kind of love I haven't felt again. I'd give anything to feel like that again."

 

Kaidan found his way back to them, Tali and James in hand. The others would be holding the upstairs.

"This here's Tali. If you need help with decryption or... anything technical, she's the best. And this is James. He may look like a gorilla but he's decent to have at your back."

"..."

"It was either him or Garrus to watch our backs. Or Javik but generally condescending and a bit of a jerk at times."

"So it was Vyrnnus or Vyrnnus?"

"No, Rahna. It was Garrus. Or Javik. Javik's been going on about bad feelings and people suffering, which is upsetting. And I figured, James would make you scream less."

"I'm... feeling less and less invited to the fiesta by the minute." James made a face and let the two of them have at it.

"Right. Let's... just go. Before I find more things to say to the Commander..."

"What?" Kaidan's face flushed in anger. "What did you say to him?"

"What? I didn't..."

Kaidan grabbed her by the arm. "Rahna, if you're mad at me, then take it out on me but don't bring the Commander into it, do you hear me?"

"Kaidan, it's fine." Shepard tried to intervene.

"Do you hear me?" Kaidan repeated the question again at Rahna.

Rahna's whole body flashed blue and before Kaidan knew it, he was launched backwards into the wall of the facility, hard enough to make a noticeable dent. "You don't talk to me or touch me like that, Kaidan. Not ever."

"Kaidan!" Tali squeaked and moved to help him up as did Shepard.

"Are you alright?" Shepard helped him up.

"Ugh... yeah..." Kaidan made a face. "...Migraine's back."

"...You've changed, Kaidan." Rahna stared at him long and hard. "And not for the better."

She moved on ahead of them, moving towards doorway leading down.

"...Damn... You done fucked up. Big time." James. Tactful and eloquent as ever.

"Yeah. I caught that. Thanks."

"I'm just saying. For those playing at home, you fucked up."

"James. Stow it." Shepard's tone was dangerous and low.

"...Right. Sorry. Sir."

"Let's go. Before she gets too far ahead of us." 

Kaidan could tell there'd be a bruise from that. There were usually bruises from things like that.


	9. Twisted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing the chapter in the chapter summary. Yeah...

Noveria - H27 Base, Foyer

 

"I hope I didn't scare her too badly."

"Garrus, the woman was clearly traumatized. I'm not sure there's anything you could've done to ease her pain." Liara offered Garrus a friendly, albeit sad, smile.

"...Right. But I certainly didn't help much, did I?"

"It's not your fault. She's had very bad experiences with turians from a formative age. It would require a great deal of working through her emotions and trauma to make her feel better. Jack has never forgiven Cerberus for what they did to her, right?"

"Yeah, but Jack never hated all humans."

"...I suspect it's partly because she is human."

"Yeah. I guess."

"The door is... functional and holding steady. No signs of Reaper ground teams." EDI walked down from the entrance slope, announcing her presence.

"Good. Well, less to worry about."

"I really don't like this place..." Liara crossed her arms tightly as if fighting the chill.

"The facility or the planet?"

"...Is there a difference?"

"This place gives me the creeps too. What about you, Javik? Sensing anything festive?"

"No."

"...Simple as that."

"I sense pain and hurt and a sinister presence I do not know how to describe."

"That... sounds ominous."

"It is a fairly recent thing. But the facility feels like it haunted the students."

"Not surprising. Day after day of Reaper attacks and you've got a cold drafty place and everyone's dying... plays with your mind."

"Indeed. And yet it seems to be greater than that."

"Perhaps we should check on the injured student?" EDI suggested looking to the others. "They have been gone for almost an hour. If the student's injuries are severe enough to require nearly constant treatment, perhaps we should assist."

"...I see what you're saying, but no one here has medical training." Garrus murmured.

"Yes, but even in the face of grave injury or certain death... having someone nearby is comforting. Dying in a place like this with no one around seems... unfair."

"Are we talking about the student or Matriarch Benezia?"

"...Garrus, I am capable of putting my emotions aside for the mission."

"I didn't mean to infer otherwise."

"I know. I understand."

"Liara raises a valid concern. Injury and death has a severe affect on the psyche. It can be... traumatic to face it alone."

"Such emotion is wasted. Warriors rise and warriors fall. Those who pick up arms know that death is an inevitability."

"Look at the galaxy, Javik. The Reapers aren't subjugating a rebel force, they're driving everyone extinct. It doesn't matter if you carry a pistol or a rake."

"...Your point is valid, but still sentimental. In my cycle, those who were too weak to fight were too weak to live."

"Yes, and we see how that turned out." Liara dismissed his words and approached the room Rahna had been in. She moved to open it but made a face.

"Did you hit the button? I know Shepard usually hits the buttons so maybe you're out of practice but..."

"Very funny, Garrus. No. It... seems like it's been locked from the inside."

"Then we break it down." Javik supplied that answer.

"Wait. Destroying this door might greatly traumatize the patient."

"I will see what I can do." EDI moved forward and began working at the door. "It appears as if... the door has been sealed from the other side."

"We know that much."

"No, I mean, the circuits have been jury rigged to open and close by signal."

"That sounds... suspicious."

"It is a sound strategy if you were afraid that someone might know how to work a door." Javik mused. "But Reapers are not so deft."

"...And if you need the signal, it just makes it impossible for the patient to get help."

"I am attempting to hack through it and trigger the signal."

"Can you do that?"

"Yes, but it may take some time. The level of encryption is fairly advanced and does not match the types of Alliance encryption I am familiar with."

"Keep going then."

"I do not like the smell of this."

"I don't either. It seems... maybe I've gotten paranoid."

"A gut instinct is usually based on something. Whether it's reading a target and seeing them as hostile or... just a healthy dose of suspicion, I'd trust it."

"Maybe this is some kind of warrior's intuition." Liara shrugged.

"Or just knowing that with Shepard everything is complicated and missions always go bad. We always live, except for when we don't, but they usually go bad."

"...The smell worsens."

"Yes, Javik, we know."

"No. The smell from beyond the door."

A few more minutes passed.

"I have passed through the security lock. It took longer than I had expected. It appears as if the signal was supposed to detonate an explosive if it were overridden and a code not entered, likely to stop any hacking attempts. But I was able to extrapolate the code based on keystrokes."

"...Wait, why would Rahna set a trap?"

"Ward off Reapers in case they got too close to the door maybe?"

"I... guess that makes sense if she was expecting to be a while."

"No, the explosive is too large for that. It would have blown up most of this level, including the patient."

"It is possible the human female had no faith in us. Eliminate the threat before they took another for a husk."

Liara didn't seem convinced.

"...Warrior's intuition, Liara?"

"Warrior's intuition."

EDI opened the doors and walked in first, awaiting any further booby traps that might affect an organic. When it was clear, the others moved in.

"The smell is decomposing flesh." Javik grit his teeth. "Much of it."

"Oh, goddess..." Liara had to hold her nose and put on her breathing mask.

"I have smelled this before. So this smell is decomposing flesh? It is... strong. And present. Though I do not have any notion of good or bad."

"Oh, it's bad, EDI. Very... bad."

"This is no place to keep a patient..."

"In times of war, we do what we must. The securest rooms to keep the weakest or most valuable."

"It's a makeshift hospital, not a vault."

"...Which one is the patient?" Garrus looked at the dead, covered in tarps.

"Initial scans conclude that there is no life in this room."

"Goddess... the patient succumbed?"

"Analyzing... Most of the bodies here were killed by Reaper forces. Claw marks indicate a brute. Nerve damage from a banshee."

"Most?"

"Correct. The body that shows the fewest signs of decomposition is this one. Rigor mortis is still in effect."

"That must be the patient."

"...No. Rigor mortis appears a few hours after death in humans. Rahna... would've known her patient had died; she was still in here at the time." Liara looked at some of the other bodies. It was gruesome.

"Cause of death is..." EDI moved closer to examine the body. "A gunshot wound to the forehead."

"...That's not right."

"That is what the results conclude. I can send you my findings if you wish."

"Rigor mortis usually ends between the second and third day dead."

"...Which means the survivor... didn't survive." Garrus made a face. 

"Or was killed later." Javik corrected him.

"...Are you saying...?"

"The human female either lied about the patient being alive or killed the patient herself."

"...But there's still a chance that Rahna didn't kill her own squad mate?"

"It is plausible and feasible, although none of the other bodies have the same time of death as this one."

"Which... means that either the students all had a massive delusion enough to believe that their friend survived a shot to the head..."

"Unlikely, if no one else died that day, the attack that killed a friend would have demanded utmost attention."

"...Or Rahna... did something about her squad mate."

"That... Would she do that?"

"War plays strange tricks on the mind, barring treachery. It could be the shooting was an act of mercy or madness."

"But that does not explain the act of omission or the trap with the door. Consciously denying an event occurred to the point of believing it oneself is typical in disassociation brought on by stress. Lying about the patient may have seemed to be the truth for her. But the outside being completely scarred and scorched is in direct opposition to this room which, despite the smell, is very clean, especially around the body."

"...Javik, can you sense what happened in this room?" Liara looked to him.

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"...Telling you would only upset you further."

"...Which means that Rahna is either very dangerous right now... or very dangerous right now."

"Rahna said that the team's former commanding officer was indoctrinated. Could Rahna also be indoctrinated?" It was always a possibility.

"...In which case she's very dangerous right now."

"We need to get in touch with Kaidan and Shepard. Right now."

"Communications are down. There is... something blocking the signal. I cannot pass through it."

"You sound impressed."

"I am a Cerberus-created AI. There are few times when I cannot actively work around a goal. I am... having difficulty. I am impressed. And... frustrated."

"Then let's get to the elevator."

"The elevator is out of service." EDI reported.

"How do you know?"

"It is a logical conclusion. If Rahna is the enemy, she would want to divide and conquer. Additionally, I have discovered Rahna's cryptic signature on many points of interest: the security cameras, the door to this room, the elevator, the access terminal and... the front doors."

"...Damn."

They felt a cold wind move down the corridor and into the room as the doors up top opened.

"I thought you repaired the doors!" Liara looked to EDI.

"We brought the doors online and put them in their proper place to ensure functionality. We did not scan what would trigger the doors to open, only that they would open."

The shriek of a banshee filled the air.

"It does not matter at this point! What is important is securing the area and attempting to contact the Commander!"

"Agreed. So, it took a squad of twenty-five to hold off the Reapers for who knows how long... How do you think we'll do?"

"This is really not the time for this discussion!"


	10. Insidious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is the suspense killing you yet?

Noveria - H27 Base, Lower Levels

 

"How far down does this thing go?" James grumbled.

"What's the matter James? Are your heels uncomfortable?" Shepard joked with him as they descended.

"Don't worry, Loco, there aren't any runs in my pantyhose." James joked back. "How about you?"

"I only wear heels for special occasions."

"What, I'm not special enough for you?" James gave him a tone of mock hurt.

"Wouldn't hurt for you to tell me how much you love me. Make a guy feel important."

"Damn, Loco, if you wanted someone to kneel and kiss your ass you could just ask your boyfr-" Kaidan shot James a dangerous look as Rahna averted her gaze.

James mouthed a tiny 'sorry' before minding his own business, staring at the wall and praying Kaidan's death glare would let up.

"How far down are we going?" Kaidan looked over to Rahna who was checking her omnitool.

"A few dozen meters or so." Rahna reported. "Enough to make your eardrums pop."

"How does your omnitool work?" Tali was surprised. And a bit jealous. "I keep getting interference. It must be the depth..."

As they hit the lower levels, finally, they began to walk. The walls were oppressive and dark, labs stationed in a haphazard design. At times the floor would incline and sometimes would slope upwards as Rahna followed a signal.

"Dammit, I can't get any signal to the surface." Tali cursed at her omnitool while Rahna largely ignored the group of them, leading the way.

"These boots weren't made for walking." James grumbled as he looked around. "Creepy decor. If this is a Cerberus base, they should fire the decorator."

"They probably liquefied them." Kaidan reported grimly.

"Wouldn't surprise me."

"Rahna, how much further?" Kaidan looked over at her. No response. "Rahna!" He called out a bit louder.

"Alright, alright, I hear you. My readings say to follow it this way."

"What readings are you getting?" Tali gave her a look from behind her mask.

"Strong ones." Rahna looked towards a large door and they headed that way. "The readings are really strong this way."

"Am I the only one getting the heeby-jeebies?" James was looking around. It was like something was waiting for them.

"Rahna, do you know what we're looking for?" Kaidan was beginning to feel maybe a bit on edge. He wasn't sure if it was his implant reacting to something, his gut instincts or some kind of paranoia. 

"A central terminal. One with lots of... wires. All of the information for this base goes through it. I mean, I've been down here before but the Reaper forces attacked and we had to deal with it."

"So, what happened to all the workers?" James looked around.

"As far as I know, they were evacuated." Rahna began. "We haven't seen anyone. I have to think that if there was anyone alive, they would've used the elevator to come back up."

"That's comforting." Shepard took a deep breath.

"Not really." Kaidan seemed more upset. "No offense, but I'd rather see dead Cerberus scientists. Least then we know they aren't lurking."

"I don't think Cerberus is the 'lurking' type, Kaidan." Rahna rolled her eyes. "They have the subtlety of Atlas mechs."

"And they're about as smart." James smirked.

They came closer to the strong readings while Tali continued to try to get clear readings with the group above them.

When they finally made it to the central terminal, Shepard and Tali both shared a collective and ominous sense of deja vu.

"This places looks sinister." Kaidan looked around, everything in his body was telling him there was something wrong.

"Cover me, I need to get the terminal up and running." Rahna spoke before making her way to the terminal.

"Got it." Kaidan nodded. He took up a position near the terminal with Shepard.

The terminal was up on a raised catwalk in a large and spacious chamber linked to other spacious chambers with exceptionally narrow hallways and rickety catwalks. The sound of Rahna stepping over the catwalks made them all nervous.

"Okay. I'm getting started."

"How long do you need?" Shepard looked at her.

"Uhh... Not sure. I need to pass some encryption."

"Make it happen."

Tali was studying the walls as Rahna worked. She seemed obsessed.

"You okay, Tali?" Kaidan looked over to her.

"I have seen this somewhere before."

"From where?"

"I cannot place it. It..." Before she could consider it longer she heard something eerie crawling by.

"What was that?" Kaidan looked around.

"I don't know. Anyone got eyes on it?"

"...No."

"Just keep me safe, would you please? I'd prefer the Reapers not kill me after all this."

"Wait..." Tali approached them, pushing by Shepard and Kaidan.

"Excuse me, please don't crowd me." Rahna defensively withdrew.

"Hey, Tali. Leave her alone." Kaidan understood Rahna was nervous around aliens.

"I know what this place is!" Tali abruptly pushed Rahna aside and feverishly hammered keys at the terminal.

"Stop it! Leave it alone, I need to work!"

"Tali, what are you doing?" Shepard trusted Tali, but he didn't know where she was going with this.

"This... base... it is a Cerberus base."

"Uh huh..."

"It was... built into the mountain."

"Please, let me get back to work. Kaidan, could you do something about your friend?"

"Tali, come on..."

"Wait. It wasn't built INTO the mountain. It... is the mountain?"

"What are you saying?"

"Kaidan..."

"Hold on, Rahna."

"It... Oh... keelah..." Tali backed away from the terminal.

"What is it?"

"Kaidan. You need to see this." Tali called him over.

"Kaidan!"

"Just a sec."

"But..."

"I said just a sec, Rahna."

"What's it say, Kaidan?" Shepard eyed Rahna with suspicion.

"It says... Oh, my God. This base... it's a Reaper's corpse."

"What?"

"What do you mean a corpse?" Rahna gave him a look of fear.

"The records say that the people who founded the base hit gold. They went to dig into the mountain and found out this place... is a downed Reaper. It must've been from a different cycle since it got covered in a mountain of snow and ice. It says... Cerberus found out about it and invested heavily until it was their operation."

"Sounds familiar."

"I knew I'd seen it before, Shepard. It looks like the derelict Reaper where we met Legion."

"A lot of the information is Cerberus-related. They were researching indoctrination. They... had scientists working here to tap into the Reaper's secrets to find out how they work. And..." Kaidan made a grim face. Not surprise, but disgust. "They documented how the scientists reacted and what they learned. And eventually they became indoctrinated and were... dissected or studied by new scientists. Everyone has a non-disclosure agreement... a list of casualty reports from people who tried to flee. Most people who fled died of the cold... they kept the envirosuits under lock and key."

"Everything points to Cerberus." Tali spoke again, with a definitive tone. "They shut down the Reaper signal so no one else could be indoctrinated but somebody turned it back on."

"Is this the intel you were supposed to get?" Shepard looked to Rahna who blanched.

"No, I... I don't know. They... They told me to investigate what they were working on here. They told me they had sources that they were researching how the Reapers worked but... I didn't..."

"I don't buy it." Tali pointed her gun at Rahna, who retreated backwards a few steps.

"Tali, what are you doing?" Kaidan immediately put himself in her way, blocking her aim.

"Can't you tell?" Tali moved her gun towards Rahna and Kaidan blocked the aim again. "She's working with Cerberus!"

"What? Wh... Where did you get that from? She didn't know."

"Kaidan, don't let her..."

"I'm not."

"Kaidan, move!"

"I'm not moving, Tali!"

"Hey!" Shepard's voice boomed over theirs. "Now, just everybody cool it."

"I haven't done anything wrong!"

"Tali, just... put your gun down."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I will not."

"Tali, what proof is there that she's working for Cerberus?" Kaidan gave her a stern look. "Look at the evidence. All of this is just... a misunderstanding. Isn't it, Rahna?"

"I'm not working for Cerberus! The... the team's old commanding officer was. He was supposed to be on this mission. It... If anything he was the one working for Cerberus. I'm just a regular Alliance sentinel. I don't... I don't like to fight. I may not like aliens but I don't care all that much for humans either, especially not terrorists! I know you might not believe that, but the humans are the ones who purposefully made all of the biotics by spilling eezo into the atmosphere. They went out of their way to hit homeless people... easy biotics, no one cares if they die off from cancer or degenerative disease... Just because I'm human doesn't mean I like them."

"Well, Tali?" Kaidan slackened his protective stance. Rahna continued to duck behind him.

"Well, what? So what if the old commanding officer was Cerberus, it doesn't mean she isn't too."

"Tali, you need something more concrete than that before I'd commit." Shepard eyed the situation carefully.

"Fine. How about the Reaper signal?"

"What about it?"

"Cerberus turned it off but it's back on now. Someone turned it on again. And recently."

"What?"

"Your students... they were shooting at nothing, hearing voices...?"

"I..." Kaidan took a moment. That thought was now gnawing at him. "That could've been just stress though, Tali."

"It's true. People do crack under pressure." Shepard nodded.

"Yes, but she said she was down here. She could have turned the Reaper signal on when she was down here."

"What? I was not down here." Rahna cried out defensively.

Kaidan turned to her, giving his back to Tali's weapon. "You said you came down here."

"I... I must've been mistaken. I'm sorry. I'm stressed."

"Rahna, no one else could've set off the signal."

"What? What... What about scientists? Workers?"

"No one's here, Rahna!" Kaidan was angrily yelling at her and she withdrew more.

"That... doesn't mean there weren't people here."

"...I don't believe it." Kaidan shook his head. "You're working for Cerberus?"

"Kaidan!"

"...Is that why they put you here?"

"Who?" Rahna felt herself losing ground.

"Cerberus. They wanted Shepard dead, didn't they. This... is about Shepherd. They brought you in because they wanted ME to bring him here."

"...No..."

"Rahna."

"No."

"Is it true? Rahna?!" Kaidan grabbed her arm. Rahna shrieked and sent him flying with a biotic field.

Tali pulled a dodge roll to get away from Kaidan as Shepard moved towards him.

Kaidan rolled across the ground before quickly rising to his feet. He raised his gun at her and Rahna immediately put her hands up. 

"I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to... you...! You grabbed my arm and...!"

Kaidan was hit with a pang of guilt but kept his sights trained on her. "If you're working for Cerberus, I should just put a bullet in you right here."

"Kaidan." Shepard's voice was steady and constant in his ear.

"Shepard, you know she's guilty."

"I don't know anything right now, Kaidan. She could be Cerberus, she could be indoctrinated because some scientist turned on the Reaper signal... she could be innocent."

"Whenever I block somebody, they end up being guilty."

"This isn't Udina, Kaidan."

"Yeah? How isn't it? I'm... really tired of having to pull guns on people I should be able to trust."

"Kaidan, I'm not Cerberus." Rahna moved forward, hands still above her head. "You know me."

"I used to."

"You said the same about me, Kaidan." Shepard saw Kaidan's hand twitch angrily. "I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying... don't do something you'll regret."

"I'd regret it if she _were_ Cerberus and she got away or... she hurt somebody... then I'd regret it. And if I shot her now and she turned out to be Cerberus? ...I wouldn't regret that one bit."

"Kaidan... You're not the shoot first and ask questions type."

"Yeah, well, maybe I should be."

"That's not you." 

Shepard put his hand on Kaidan's pistol arm and slowly lowered it.

"No." Kaidan resignedly put his arm down. "...No, it's not."

"Tali. Shut the Reaper signal off."

"On it."

"Wait, I need the intel. For the Alliance. Remember? Alliance?"

"We'll make a full report to the Alliance." Kaidan stared hard at Rahna. "Do. Not. Move."

"Kaidan."

"I'm dealing with it, Shepard, back off." Kaidan took a deep breath. "I'm... I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"It's okay."

"No. It's really... not okay."


	11. Dancing in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're ramping up to the big climax...!

Noveria - H27 Base, Lower Levels

 

Tempers were still raging as Rahna sighed and walked absently towards the railings and the maintenance ladder. She shined her flashlight down, looking for the sounds of skittering that echoed furtively from the metalwork.

"Is this going to take very much longer? I have a patient to get back to..." Rahna murmured impatiently.

Tali continued to work at the Reaper signal, intent on shutting it down. She didn't trust Rahna, but at the moment, that really didn't matter.

There was a sudden rumble from up above, followed by a dull echo of a distant shriek. Rahna seized up.

A Banshee.

A full chill ran down Kaidan's spine. They were under attack.

Shepard tensed, but roared into action.

"James. We need to get topside."

"Commander, that's a terrible idea..." Rahna's voice was drained of emotion, replaced by exhaustion and irritation. "In case of emergency, you use the stairs."

"...Guys." James pressed at the controls for the elevator. Nothing was working. Nothing was lighting up, nothing was beeping. "...We're dead in the water."

"Tali, can you repair the elevator?" Kaidan looked over to her.

"I'm not even done shutting down the Reaper signal. I don't know how long it would take to-"

"Stairs it is. Hurry with the Reaper signal."

"Do you want it done quickly or effectively?"

"I hope to one day get both." Shepard sighed.

"Do you want me to go on ahead?" Rahna was starting to bristle again. "I can't leave my patient up there in a warzone."

"It's not a good idea to go alone." Shepard took a breath.

"Especially not when she's Cerberus." Tali mumbled.

"What was that?" Rahna looked over to her.

"I think you heard me."

"That's enough!" Kaidan growled. "Fighting isn't going to get us anywhere. At least not with each other. Just... I'll go with Rahna, okay? And we'll clear the way in case any Husks show up."

"Husks? ...I don't want to fight Husks... and Banshees..." Rahna's lip trembled. "I mean, I knew that was... I knew it might happen but. Do you think they've made it all over the base...?"

"We'll be okay if we go together." Did she really not think there would be Husks? In which case, why had she been looking over things with a flashlight?

"You can't be serious. Kaidan, she-"

"Not this again." Shepard rolled his eyes. "James, you keep Tali safe down here. I'll go with Kaidan-"

"And me! You can't... leave me here with her!" Rahna interjected. "She'll put a bullet in me, you know she will!"

"...I'll go with Kaidan and Rahna. Just... Tali, try and stay in radio contact."

"...Be careful, Commander Shepard."

The three began to ascend the maintenance ladder. The sound of boots squeaking and hands gripping metal bars filled the unending silence.

Tali's eyes narrowed as she sent her drones out to protect her just in case. She knew she was onto something. And so, she began to multitask, getting things ready for her own rude awakening. She hit a few buttons on her omnitool and smiled to herself behind the visor when she saw Kaidan's omnitool glow a beep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I'd like to thank all the lovely commenters and people who are fans of this series and the others I've worked on.
> 
> And secondly, I'd like to apologize for how terribly delayed this is. I meant to have it up a long, long time ago, but real life got in the way. Between family things, a death, and pursuing a career, I let this slide a bit. 
> 
> I always wanted to go back to this, but I had the nagging feeling that maybe I should just let this die peacefully since it had been such a long time. I guess I was a bit ashamed of myself for having let it slide so far, but after rethinking it, I've decided to see this through to the end. Not just because I personally enjoyed writing this, but because it wasn't something I wanted to let slip away unfinished.
> 
> So, thanks everyone for waiting for so long. I will be finishing this story up. I expect the final chapter to be something like 13, 14, or 15? I'm not 100% sure how it's all going to shake out. But I've really enjoyed reading back over this to get the juices flowing again!


	12. Maelstrom

Noveria - H27 Base, Maintenance Catwalks

 

Rahna, Shepard, and Kaidan trudged up through the ladders and up various catwalks attempting to make it to the surface.

"Any idea where this thing lets out at?" Shepard looked to her.

"To an escape hatch. These tunnels branch out all over Noveria from what I could tell." She mused as she climbed higher. "And these lead to an embankment next to the base's entrance."

"So we'll be in a good position to flank them."

"Or make a break for it."

"Rahna, I'm not leaving my crew." Shepard's voice was deadly serious.

"You heard what was happening up above, yes?" She frowned in the darkness. "Those... things... are up there. And I'm doubting they're doing well."

"What makes you say that?" Kaidan's eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"Someone must have disabled the elevator, yeah? That's what I'd do if I wanted to keep them from swarming us down below."

"I don't think Brutes know how to use elevators."

"Well, the Reapers wanted something in the base. How else would they secure it?"

"What are you saying?"

"Reapers destroy any advantage you can find. We didn't find anything on the level we were at. That's what my work was, trying to find information on that database. But everything I needed was on the one you just forced me off of. They'll either swarm the place and get down to the lower level to destroy the terminal I was at... or they'll just blow us up."

"I think if they were going to blow us up, they'd have done it by now."

"Don't be stupid." She glared to Kaidan. "If that... thing... the base... was a Reaper's corpse, the only way to blow it up would be to use an amazing amount of force. Squads of Reaper soldiers would just trash the place. But maybe they're buying time."

"Buying time for what?"

"...For something bigger." Shepard began to break into a cold sweat. In Noveria's cold, that was an impressive feat on its own. But maybe Rahna was right. Maybe the hordes of soldiers were there to secure the area... before something bigger came along to finish the job. "...In which case, we're on borrowed time."

"Wait, what?" Kaidan could sense the alarm in his voice. "John, what's going on?"

"A Reaper, Kaidan. They could be buying time... for a Reaper to come."

"Wh... What?"

"I've never seen a Reaper destroy another Reaper. But if the information on those databases was enough to get them upset, I can see the tactical advantage of destroying anything that could be used against you."

"What kind of information is on those databases?"

"I don't know. I didn't get through it all."

"From what you did get through then."

"Something about communication. Telemetry. That sort of thing. I imagine it's all very technobabble." Rahna sighed. "Why send a bunch of meathead jocks to do something that requires the finesse of sentinels and engineers? Uh... no offense."

"None taken." Shepard spoke without any change in cadence. "So, Cerberus was trying to look into communication."

"Looking back on it now, I'd assume they were at least partly successful." Rahna pondered. "There's a lot to be gained from studying how they communicate."

"Like what?"

"Like... how they communicate." Rahna gave a wry smile, as if that were the most obvious thing in the world. "Like how a Reaper commands a unit. Or how Reapers communicate to their groundtroops and fleets and organize things. Or how they speak to each other. How they learn language. What their language is. What it is they're saying. How they transmit their messages from dark space when we can barely hold together QECs and fiber optics. They crippled our information arrays within days of the attacks. No one knew anything. It goes without saying that if you cripple communication, then you've crippled your opponent's reaction."

"I guess that makes sense. Actually, if they could examine how the Reapers send their signals... they could block them."

"Exactly. Keep them from telling their forces to obliterate another Thessia. Keep them out of the loop. Cut the puppeteer's strings. It would be a major coup." She smiled, thinking over the possibilities. "And not just that, but intercepting messages. Maybe even sending out misinformation. We could have codebreakers and... Enigma machines. We could turn the tide so fast the Reapers wouldn't know what to do. The only thing they'd have going without their hivemind is... size. And even that's not good enough when you've got the right minds working in the right way."

"With that in mind..." Shepard's gut began to tell him something. Something felt wrong. Something he couldn't place. "...You gave up the database relatively easily."

"Well, you didn't give me much of a choice. Your... hired gun forced me off the machine."

"And then you volunteered to go topside as soon as you got the chance?"

"Shepard... what are you getting at?" Kaidan knew his tone. He knew Shepard thought he was on to something.

"Because I don't fancy getting killed by mutated scientists in the bowels of an ice ball."

"What?"

Another rumble from the surface made the ladder start to shake.

"We should hurry." Rahna spoke with confidence. "They sound like they're overrun."

"I'll get in touch with them." Shepard began to work his omnitool. Kaidan's omnitool began to glow brighter and faster.

"Ah!"

At that moment, Rahna slipped from the bars, only to be caught by Shepard's arm.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine. I'm fine. I... thank you."

"Here. Give me your hand." Kaidan offered her his hand from above. His omnitool was glowing so brightly now that he could make out the rush of relief on her face, but so quickly it looked like a strobelight. She took it and resumed her place in the middle of them.

"Thank you." She took a moment to make sure her grip was sufficiently tight.

"I'm not getting a signal." Shepard murmured to himself. One thing after another. As he continued to work it, Kaidan's omnitool glowed out at soft intervals, faster and faster. 

"I doubt you would. A Reaper's shell is pretty dense. I'd be surprised if your signal could reach up there from here."

"Kaidan, what's with your light show?"

"I don't know."

"Do you have a missed call?" Shepard chuckled.

"Why, did you leave me one?" Kaidan gave a witty retort as they climbed.

"Business before... pleasure." Rahna rolled her eyes.

"It's getting colder. We must be getting closer to the surface."

"I'm gonna get snow in my boots..." Kaidan grumbled.

"Some things never change."


	13. We Interrupt This Broadcast...

Noveria - Surface level

 

After what seemed an impossible climb and a few run-ins with tittering Husks, they had made it to the top level manhole that brought them to the surface. Snow was leaking in from the outside as cold wind pushed through the cracks.

Shepard pushed it open without much difficulty. He'd thought there would be more snow on top of it.

"You're pretty good with a pistol, Rahna." Kaidan said admiringly.

"Well, yeah. I did get trained to use it. Plus, it's gotten some mileage lately."

"And your biotics are pretty strong too."

"Not as strong as Commander Shepard's. Or yours for that matter." Rahna smiled despite the blistering cold.

"We've had more chances to use them."

"I mean it. You've become very strong."

"I'm going to try raising the Normandy. Let them know what the situation is."

Rahna abruptly stopped him. "Later. We need to get out of the cold. These suits only keep you so warm. Exposure is a constant danger here."

"She's right, Shepard. We need to check on everyone else too."

 

As they moved towards the entrance, Shepard's eyes darted open.

"The doors are open!"

The doors were indeed open, as wide as can be. They'd been set back into the proper alignment, but now were at their widest.

"They must've forced the door open." Rahna frowned. "I have to get in there! My patient...!"

She ran ahead quickly, putting up her barrier.

"Rahna, wait! It's too dangerous to go it alone!"

Kaidan moved after her quickly. 

He heard a gunshot and a shriek next.

 

When they reached the inside of the base, Rahna was shaking in fear, now sitting down, tears stinging her eyes. She'd fallen backwards with a spent bullet next to her.

Garrus, from his vantage point as sniper immediately stood up, regretful of his actions. Thinking she was another Husk or Abomination by the frantic running, he'd fired upon her. Luckily, her barrier had absorbed the hit, promptly exploding and sending her backwards.

She would live, she was just incredibly shaken up.

"Rahna!" Kaidan rushed over to her.

Garrus moved and met her first, trying to help her to her feet. He grabbed her arm.

"I'm so sorry I-"

"Don't touch me!!" Rahna shrieked in abject horror and Garrus flew through the air like a ragdoll, crashing into the wall in an aura of blue energy. Rahna was shaking as she stood, fully prepared to unleash another biotic barrage.

Liara rushed over to Garrus, Kaidan rushed to Rahna.

"Rahna... Rahna!" Kaidan caught her attention. "Relax. It's... it's okay."

"I... I'm... What did I do?"

"Garrus, can you hear me?"

"...I'm fine. It was my fault." Garrus stood shakily. "I thought you were-"

"Stay away from me! Just... stay away!"

"Maybe _you_ should stay away from _us_!"

"Hey. Liara, it... that was an accident."

"What about everything else?" Liara's blue hue turned almost purple. "Was that all an accident too?"

"What? I... I didn't do anything!" Rahna seemed ready to burst into tears.

"Liara."

"The human woman cannot be trusted." Javik agreed with Liara.

"What?"

"Will everyone please just hold it!" Shepard's voice boomed as everyone froze in place. "What... is going on?"

"Shepard. It was an accident. I thought she was a Husk."

"She soon will be." Javik stated bluntly. "You would have been doing everyone a favor."

"I agree with Javik." Liara stated without a hint of irony.

"...Where's EDI?"

"The synthetic stopped moving during battle." Javik turned to EDI's metallic body. It seemed otherwise undamaged, but it wasn't moving.

"EDI...?" Shepard looked over to her. No response.

"I must admit, things seemed bleak but she made a very useful shield against the Banshees." Javik seemed almost proud of his ingenuity.

Although somewhat battered, Liara and Garrus also seemed to be in good shape. The slew of dead things and chunks of dead things was a testament to the force and will of battle hardened veterans. Rahna was impressed, though taken off guard by that. Shepard was proud.

"...You just used EDI as a human shield in the middle of combat?" Kaidan wasn't sure if he was more disgusted or exhausted.

"I used the synthetic as a shield, not a human shield." Javik's face made it clear that even if EDI were a human, he wouldn't have minded too much. "And the AI was already incapacitated. I saw no problem in repurposing what can be useful in the field of battle."

"We need to get that elevator open. Tali and James are still down there."

"The elevator's been tampered with." Liara's voice was cold.

"Then fix it." Shepard spoke so fast he almost didn't hear what Liara had said. "Wait."

"What's that noise?"

 

A rumbling in the air caught their attention as something began to land. It was far too quiet to be a destructive Harvester, much less a Reaper.

"A shuttle...!" Rahna was over the moon. Immediately she rushed out to greet it.

"If the elevator's out of service, we need someone to go down the maintenance shaft and get Tali and James. Garrus, you're up."

"...Right. I can do that."

"Watch out for Husks."

"After I've spent the day sniping Brutes, that seems almost too easy."

 

The shuttle landed, with Steve at the controls. Kaidan and Shepard went in to talk with Steve, and Rahna quickly bounded in after.

"Glad to see you're okay, Commander." Steve spoke up, not looking away.

"Steve. Not that I'm not glad to see you but...?"

"EDI, Sir. She got disconnected and basically pulled rank to get me to go down and evac."

"She pulled rank?"

"Well, when you get ordered by the thing that controls life support, you kind of have to fall in line."

 

"I wonder what made EDI deactivate. You think it was just... well, not human error but...?" Kaidan looked to Shepard.

"I don't know."

"I'll see if I can raise her." Kaidan murmured as he checked his omnitool. "...Something's up with the signal. It's like we're being jammed."

"Who cares?" Rahna smiled. "We'll be off the planet in no time. I cannot wait to have a hot shower. Or... hot... anything, really."

"The signal's close. Really close." He paused. He saw the omnitool was feverishly beeping. He moved from his current position to one edge of the ship and it slowed. And when he returned, it was back to a rapid pulse again.

"Hot food... comfortable clothes. Maybe a beach somewhere..."

As Liara stepped onto the shuttle, she crossed her arms.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Liara looked to her. The eyes said that she'd been caught in the act.

"...Excuse me?" Rahna looked to her.

"What is going on? It's going crazy..." Kaidan moved his omnitool around the shuttle, searching.

"Commander, we're ready to go whenever. Just give the word."

"Thanks, Steve. Once everyone's here we can go."

"I hope so. We really need to get out of here. And now."

"What? Why?"

"Your patient. You didn't forget about your patient... did you? I think you should go see if she's alright." Liara cut through the chatter.

Rahna looked to her, then back to Kaidan whose face went blank, and then back to Liara.

"...Rahna? What's going on?" Kaidan looked to her. Confused. Worried. And incredibly anxious. 

"...She's definitely succumbed by now." Rahna looked down, doe-eyed.

"Is that what you're going with?" Liara's face twisted in anger.

"...No. I'm sorry." Rahna took a deep breath.

"Rahna..."

"The truth is... she's dead."

"What?"

"Rahna shot her."

"Wh... What?!" Kaidan looked to her.

"It's not what you think."

"Isn't it?"

"She was dying. The Brute... hurt her really bad. I tried to do what I could, but there was no way she was going to live. She... she was losing so much blood. And she was afraid. Every day the fighting would get worse and she was losing her mind with paranoia."

"So you killed her?" Liara grit her teeth.

"I put her out of her misery. Yes."

"Why not tell us that in the first place?" Shepard's expression was hard as stone.

"Because you would have thought I'd gone crazy."

"You mean you didn't already?"

"It was never a good time to bring it up! We'd..." Rahna paused. Her voice took a switch. It went to dramatic. "...I was inside of a Reaper. Did... Did I kill her because...?"

Liara paused. Rahna's face went from defensive to abject terror.

"...?"

Liara had seen something in her face. Something that didn't fit her sudden bout of remorse. She didn't get it.

"What... What did I do?"

"Hey..."

"Kaidan, what did I do?!" She grabbed his arm. Their omnitools touched.

In a shower of sparks, Kaidan's omnitool lit up bright. Rahna's erupted in sparks and sent a shock up her arm.

"...!"

"Ow!" Rahna shrieked. "What the hell was that?!"

All at once, EDI's body jerked up and awake. Alive... so to speak. Liara nearly jumped.

"Systems are now back online. Connection has been restored."

 

"What...?" Rahna paused. 

A flash of fury. Liara spotted it. Javik spotted it. Even Kaidan saw it, and found himself backing away from her.

"EDI...?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"What happened?"

"I do not know. The connection suddenly stopped in mid-battle. It has only now been restored."

"The human woman did something to jam the signal." Javik's eyes all settled on her.

"Wh... What? How can you say that?" Rahna frowned. "I told you why I... I wasn't myself... and... maybe she was better off dying from me and not becoming one of those... things!"

"You continue to deny your guilt?"

"I... killed someone under the influence of... I'm... I'm not a bad person! I swear! You... can't let it make you think I'm... I'm...? Am I still under its effects...?"

"You always have been. Cerberus operative."

"Hey! I... I killed someone but, but... I'm not evil, right? I'm not someone who bombs places and... how can you say that?"

"Shepard! Shepard, can you hear me?" Tali's voice buzzed on the omnitool.

"Tali?"

"...!"

"Then how do you explain the elevator?" Liara's eyes found angry focus again. "Or rigging the door to explode?"

"Shepard, I recommend a quick evacuation at the earliest interval available." EDI chimed in.

"Not now, EDI. Tali?"

"Shepard, you can't trust Rahna!" Tali's voice shouted, but there was some interference. There was gunfire. He would have been concerned, except he heard Garrus and James laughing in the background.

"I rigged the door to explode so that they wouldn't desecrate any remains!" Rahna shouted at Liara. "They liquefy humans! Who knows if they would've stuck the dead bodies on spikes. I couldn't allow that."

"Then why rig it to take out the entire squad left in the room?" Liara caught her again.

"Because...!" Rahna bit her lip. "Fine. Because I don't much care for any of you. So... so I'm bigoted. You don't know my life. What I've been through."

"Rahna! What's the matter with you?" Kaidan stared at her sharply.

"You don't get to judge me!"

"Shepard, when you have a moment." EDI continued.

"You are lying." Javik made an angry face. Angrier than normal. "You rigged the elevator to not respond to being called once it had descended to the lower levels. Even if you spent your free time setting up the door to explode to kill outsiders, you did not spend any time near the elevator."

"So what? I just... said that I don't like aliens."

"But you did not wish for anyone else to leave either. You tried to have the human biotics stay behind. You said you could not trust us. And yet you rigged the elevator ahead of time to keep those above isolated."

"...!" She bit her lip hard.

"Shepard-"

"Not now, EDI! Tali, I can't hear you."

"Rahna jammed the frequencies!" Tali's accent crackled through between gunfire. "I set Kaidan's omnitool to short out the jammer when he found it."

"You messed with my omnitool?" Kaidan almost felt violated.

"I was trying to improve its power while decreasing the draw. We talked about design flaws on - Garrus, that is my leg! Be careful where you aim that do you want me to die? - when we were near Rannoch!" The sound of gunfire continued. "It could only have been her omnitool. She... did something to the elevator. She set it up when she was receiving data!"

"Tali, is there anything on that database?"

"Partially scrubbed. Rahna must have been down there before but only did the job halfway. She was trying to finish-"

"Tali? ...Tali?"

"Kaidan that's..."

"...The scientists. The Husks below. You... got attacked by them didn't you. When you were first trying."

"I wonder if she trapped them there in the first place."

"It does not matter. We know she set the bomb on the door, disabled the elevator to trap whoever was above, and most likely had the doors open."

"And jammed communication." Liara added.

"Speaking of which, Shepard-" EDI tried to get a word in.

"The actions required technical knowledge and opportunity. More than that, it required premediation." Javik's eyes took in the situation. "These are all the actions of an assailant."

"Kaidan... You can't... really believe that I'd do something like this... right?" She looked to him, smiling sadly. "You know I'm not that person."

"Rahna." He paused. "Why... would you do that?"

"Shepard, a Reaper has entered this solar system." EDI informed them. "It appears to be heading for Noveria."

Rahna looked away. Sighed. "Oh, dammit all."

 

Before they knew what was happening, she'd pulled two pistols, one aimed at Shepard, the other aimed at Steve.

"Rahna!"

"Quiet. I'm busy." She spoke in a tone he hadn't heard from her before. It was cold. It was ruthless. "You. Asari. Off my bus. This is a human shuttle now."

"Excuse me?"

"Get off before I splatter the Commander."

"Rahna, don't do this." 

Kaidan moved and she fired a shot at Shepard. Kaidan felt his heart stop for a moment as it struck him in the left shoulder. If her aim had been a bit lower, it would have been his heart.

Shepard let out a gasp of pain and felt the blood drip from his armor. His shields hadn't gone up...?

"You heard me, asari. Off." Liara was stunned into action and backstepped off the shuttle. Once Liara was off, she spoke without turning. "Driver. Let's get back to the Normandy. Before your Commander leaves a stain."

"..."

"It's okay, Steve. Do it." He was sure EDI was already alerting everyone to the danger back on the Normandy. For whatever good that was.

"...Yes, Commander."

"Good." Rahna took a breath.

"I can't believe it. You're... Cerberus." Kaidan didn't want to speak the words, but he couldn't wrap his head around it yet.

"You really don't get it, do you? I'm a survivor, Kaidan. I want to survive this. And Cerberus is my best option."

"Rahna, _we_ are your best option! Us!"

"I know that. That's why I came to recruit you." She looked over to Shepard, no emotion on her face. "He's already made his choice. But I want the best. And the best is you, Kaidan."

"What?"

"Cerberus recognizes great talent. Shepard's good. But he's too unstable. You're the best hope humanity has. That's why we want you." She smiled to him, softly, in a way that made his blood run cold. "This is all for you."


	14. Act of Contrition

The Normandy - Hangar Bay, near the UT-47 Kodiak

 

Steve Cortez stole furtive glances at the woman holding the gun. He was sure if he did a barrel roll or something along those lines, he could make her drop the gun. Shepard caught him before he could try anything, shaking his head no. Rahna was a powerful biotic, not to mention she had a gun. There was really nothing stopping her from taking aim or doing something that would endanger the shuttle.

And so he waited.

They went through decontamination and decompression together, Rahna never took her eyes off Kaidan and Shepard. Her gun was still trained on him.

"What did you mean, you want me?" Kaidan asked, finally venturing to speak his mind.

"Exactly what it sounds. We're looking for the next Shepard. The _better_ Shepard."

"Shepard is the only Shepard." Kaidan grit his teeth.

"Shepard is a beacon. An icon. But you could be so much more. What does the man have going for him? The ability to do public speaking and the rare ability not to get killed by everything that comes at him?"

"If that's how you feel..." Shepard began, his hand still on his left shoulder to try and stop the bleeding. "...then you really shouldn't be coming at me, should you? People who do usually end up dead."

"I'm not stupid, Commander. You have some impressive luck, but I can lift you off the ground and blast you full of holes before you can give it a thought."

"Really? You want to test that?"

"You have no shields and you're down an arm. In the time it takes you to move your hand to use your biotics or grab your gun, you'll be gone." She stated simply. "We were trained to move things with our minds without even thinking about it. And since I deactivated your shields... well, I don't have to worry since I know how to aim a pistol."

"You deactivated my shields...? When?" His eyes narrowed.

"Oh, Commander Shepard, help me~!" She started dramatically. "I've slipped off the ladder and I need to be helped by a strong hero!"

"...That was an act?"

"Well, I did let go of the ladder if that's what you mean. I was sure you'd catch me."

"You really put yourself at that kind of risk...?" Kaidan couldn't believe her. "For what purpose?"

"I have faith in my luck. Or at the very least, I have faith in Shepard. Always does the right thing by anyone."

"You know I have to stop you. Doing the right thing and all."

"It's Kaidan I want. Not you." She sighed. "I'm happy to let you all live. Assuming the Reaper doesn't hit Noveria before we're done. I imagine it will be a race."

"Why? ...Why me?"

"Because you're a hero, Kaidan."

 

They exited the Hangar Bay, to find that the floor was empty. EDI must have alerted everyone and evacuated them. That made things easier, probably, but also heightened the sense of danger.

"You orchestrated this whole thing, didn't you? You've been with Cerberus the entire time."

"From the beginning...?" Kaidan thought it over. "You got yourself assigned to my students...!"

"Actually, no. I was put there by higher ups. Some people more along Udina's wavelength. Their CO actually was Cerberus. They just wanted someone better to fill his position."

"You becoming part of the squad of Kaidan's students was on purpose then."

"Of course it was. I'm a sentinel. Brain Camp wasn't overly large, but there must have been better recruits from that bunch than me... Or, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I did do a good job, after all."

"You... must be indoctrinated. The Illusive Man. He got to you." Kaidan mumbled to himself.

"You have it in your head that Cerberus brainwashes people to get them to join. In most cases, they join Cerberus willingly... and just become more devoted."

"Is that what happened to you? Are you... devoted to him, Rahna?"

"I'm devoted to surviving. Not the Illusive Man. He knows that much at least. I care about surviving this war, and I'd like humanity to be the forerunner that survives."

"And what about everyone else?" Shepard knew the answer.

"If they survive, good for them? I don't care. It's their fault things got this bad, isn't it? What have the other races done except delay and make it all worse, really? When have they ever cared to do anything except deny the problem until it's on the doorstep?" She laughed. "This big plan you're all working on... only really started after the fall of Earth, right? And what have they done except for make huge demands of you as you're trying to save them all? They're just opportunistic animals. It's sad. And it's not what the universe needs."

"And I am...?"

"Shepard is a hero of all the races, but he's not what humanity really needs. He'll stop to help little old asari ladies cross the street and right every wrong in the galaxy... but he doesn't stand for humanity. We need someone better. Someone of the same cloth, but someone better."

"Kaidan."

"You should be flattered. The Illusive Man values you highly."

"I'm actually annoyed and wondering why you think I'd ever trust you."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Have you seen what they did to people on Horizon?! The endless parade of mad scientists? The attack on the Citadel? Waging war on planets in turf wars?"

"Cerberus also brought back Commander Shepard."

"They always play that card, don't they." Shepard smirked despite the pain.

"Cerberus helped take down the Collectors. Helped save entire planets. Even Earth. Because of Cerberus, Earth still has a population that can be saved. And you're the hero of humanity, Kaidan. Not Shepard. Not... save everyone help everyone die stupidly in the process Commander Shepard. Someone with vision. Someone with integrity and morals and a sense of duty. In what way hasn't Shepard acted like a glorified pirate-renegade-wannabe-hero?"

"...You tried to kill my team. Why would I ever help you?"

"Because it's the right thing. Isn't it? Humanity needs a savior and while Shepard is content to try and solve all the universe's problems, we don't have that kind of time!"

"Then stop speeding up the process by killing off humans!"

"I agree with you. Horizon is a disgusting abuse of power, but it brings us closer to understanding the Reapers. Don't you see? All of this information that we acquired helps us become better. So much better that the Reapers are scared of us! We have them on the ropes!"

"Then why are we still scrambling, Rahna? Why... You know what, it's not worth it. You don't get it."

"No, you don't get it, Kaidan. And the more you keep doing this... the more you're proving everyone right about you."

"..."

"How long are you going to play silver medal? Second banana Alenko, the second human Spectre, not as famous as the first, and maybe not as worthy since he only got the position from being around Shepard." Rahna stared at him. "Here's your chance to prove you're better than a lapdog."

"You don't know anything about me. Do you."

"I know that you must really enjoy being safe level-headed bootlicking boy-toy Kaiden Alenko if you're not just the tiniest bit curious which of you is a better human Spectre. A better human, in general. A better role model. Don't you see it? You're so far in his shadow that you can't see the hope and joy you bring to people. Saving the world. Saving worlds. You're so far in his shadow that you can't see the light. That's why I'm here. Let me take you to it."

"Rahna..."

"You know, I hadn't realized how bad it was before I found out you were actually... with him. You can't really enjoy taking orders from him...? How can he be your romantic partner if he treats everyone like slaves. You're his dog, Kaidan. His dog. The dog shares the Master's bed, but still takes orders. You're in such an unequal position that... it just makes me want to save you from it."

"Save me?"

"And help you become the best you can be! That's the point! The Alliance... they're too bureaucratic to be effective, and they answer to the Council who don't care about anyone but their own interests. But Cerberus has a clear goal and it doesn't back down. They've been interested in you since Horizon. When we found out the Collectors wanted you... we started to realize all the potential you had. And still have. Don't you think about it?"

"..."

"Doesn't it ever cross your mind? You've got all the same skills he has. What's he got? Rank? The ability he stole from you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You could have been the one to see the Prothean artifact. You could've been him! You could have had something that he doesn't have, but he took it away from you didn't he?"

"He tried to save me!"

"Like he tried to save Ashley?"

 

Rahna hit the wall of the hangar bay so fast her head was spinning. Biotic rage crackled through the air like blue lightning.

"You don't get to talk about Ashley. Not. Ever."

"Can't you... see it yet?" Rahna stood up. "He's been using you. Grooming you... Abusing you."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah?" Rahna's voice was manic, shaky. "Let's... ask him..."

Shepard found himself pulled into the air and next to Rahna before she dropped him in front of Kaidan. With the gun still in her hand, she pulled him up until he was kneeling. She pressed the gun into Shepard's temple.

"Shepard...!"

"No closer!" She shouted at him. "You need to hear... how he's been taking advantage of you. You need to hear him admit it! So you can... wake up!"

"Kaidan. Just... stay there." Shepard spoke softly. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"Stop giving everyone orders." She growled at him. "Kaidan... I know he protected you. I know you want to help him. I know that because you helped me, and so now I want to help you. He's not a good man! He can't save anyone. Not you, not himself, not the world, not Earth - not anybody! He's... afraid of you. Of what you can do. You were almost him. He doesn't... want anyone else to be him. It's a sickness."

"You're one to talk."

"I've seen the kind of man you are Kaidan. And it's scared me, but it's what everyone needs. The man who takes control of the situation. And stops the enemy. You're so... afraid of being feared, that you'll never be respected. And I'm partly to blame. But I'm going to make that right. And he... is going to tell you how he manipulates you... into doing everything."

"Am I?"

"Shepard..." Kaidan was trying to avoid John's brains being splattered all over the place. John seemed to enjoy the idea.

"Kaidan, you're a good man. You wanted to protect the Council. Horizon. Udina. You always try to help people... even when there's no point. Even when it's the wrong choice. Because you're full of integrity. We just want you to use that drive and that power for something truly great. Think how many people you could help if you were on the right side! Think how many people need you. Look at him. He makes you think you need him. The truth is... he needs _you_ much more than you need _him_. It's just that simple. All those times you feel inadequate next to him... isn't it because he makes you feel that way? He's been working you for years!"

"Shepard."

"Kaidan. It's okay. I'll tell you." Shepard looked to her with his eyes and then back to Kaidan. "I'll tell you everything you need to know."

"...John."

"She's right." John's voice didn't waver as the gun pressed to his temple harder. "I've been using you. Ever since we met. I knew about your feelings of inferiority... and how you wanted people to like you. To fit in. You always felt like you were the outsider, right? You were. So I'd talk to you. Make you feel less lonely. And you weren't bad to look at either. Until you relied on me. You came to me for everything. It was... the best. And you were such a sheep. I used to think about how much you probably cried after I died the first time. It kind of... gave me a charge, you know? Thinking how lost and wrecked you were. You needed me. But then you went and grew a backbone on Horizon... like a boyscout. You were wrong, obviously. So when your world came crashing down, it was easy to play on the moral high ground and let you come groveling back. All I really needed was for you to get hurt on Mars. And of course you did. You're just... so incompetent, it was easy. Of course you're incompetent. You're incompetent because I want you to be. I can't tell you how much I enjoy having people fawn over me like that... even the Council's wrinkly asses need saving and they beg for help from me. The only difference between them and you, is that you can't seem to go too long without needing someone to tell you what to do. So you went to Udina, and of course, he had to go. Not just because he was an idiot, but he almost took you away from me."

"..." Kaidan felt his breathing slow. Almost numb. He wasn't believing what he was hearing.

"That's why I chose you, Kaidan." John stared into his eyes from his kneeling position. "That's why I chose you on Virmire. Because I needed you to need me. And Ashley just wasn't worth it anyway."

"...!"

"...You see, Kaidan?" Rahna nodded. "He's just afraid of everything you have. Everything you can be. You can _be_ Shepard! And I can help you! With all the information we got on Noveria about... how to intercept and block communications... we can do it. You saved me once. Let me save you."

"...How?" Kaidan looked to her.

"Show me the kind of man you are." She motioned to the gun. She wanted him to kill John. "Save yourself. Shepard would never allow you to save yourself. But I will. Be worthy of yourself."

 

Kaidan stepped towards them. His feet felt heavy. He wasn't sure he was actually breathing. 

He took hold of the gun that Rahna gave him.

"Be worthy of myself." He repeated. "Be worthy of myself."

"Be the man I know you are, Kaidan." Rahna smiled. "Be the man who will save everyone."

John looked up at him.

Kaidan put the pistol to his forehead. John continued to look up to him.

"I'm sorry." Kaidan spoke. "I'm so sorry about all of this."

"I am too."

"Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you."

"I know I do a lot of stupid things, and I mess things up for you. And I keep betting on the wrong person. But I need to make it right. I need to do the right thing."

"I understand."

"Close your eyes."

"I'm not looking away."

"Close. Your. Eyes."

John reluctantly closed them. 

Kaidan looked to Rahna.

"Where should we go after this?" He asked, looking back down at Shepard.

"Wherever we want. The universe is a big place."

"I mean with Cerberus."

"They'll get in contact."

"Do you really think you can win?"

"I know we can."

"I'm sorry. For when we were back at Brain Camp. I'm sorry that it all happened that way. I don't know how else it could have happened, but I didn't... I never meant to hurt you."

"It's alright. It's alright, now. Let's just get this over with."

"I have to let you go now." Kaidan spoke softly.

He closed his eyes. And when he opened them, they were glowing blue.

 

The entire room shook bright blinding light as Rahna went sailing backwards through the air, borne on a biotic flare. She smashed so hard into the Kodiak that it dented as biotic energy zipped around her. She fell to the ground, not moving.

Kaidan wasn't sure if he'd killed her with the flare. He'd hoped not. But he wasn't sure. 

Immediately he took the bullets out of the gun and tossed it away and knelt down.

"I closed my eyes." John spoke. "Glad to know you care."

"...I really hate you, you know that. I started to believe what you were saying."

"I was trying to be convincing. I'm glad I gave myself away."

"...If Ashley were here, she would ram her boot so far up your ass for what you said." Kaidan laughed, blinking back tears despite himself. "I'm so sorry. I started to doubt you again... I couldn't tell you were lying until you started saying those things about her. I should know better... I should've... I wish I'd... I'm sorry."

"It's okay..."

"No..." He shook his head, burying his face into Shepard's neck. "No it's not... Don't forgive me. Don't forgive me... Please, don't forgive me..."

"I forgive you. It's okay." John was cradling him now as Kaidan began to weep openly. 

"No... no... please, don't... please, don't forgive me..."

"...I'll always forgive you."


	15. Misericordia

The Normandy - Captain's Quarters

 

It had been almost a week since the events on Noveria. Yet again, they'd only just barely avoided a Reaper descending upon them. 

Not long after Kaidan had incapacitated Rahna, the shuttle returned from Noveria and brought everyone else back. What followed was mostly a blur for Kaidan as everyone else shuffled into action.

And nearly a week later, Kaidan was still keeping to himself. And the best way to keep to himself was to stay in the Captain's Quarters. Missions were still carried out, and occasionally Kaidan was called onto the field with the rest of the team, but he wasn't his normal, chipper self. And when the mission was over, they'd return to the Normandy, and Kaidan would try to stay out of sight, often spending long periods of time just in Shepard's cabin. Not that Shepard minded, but he hated to see Kaidan struggling with this.

Shepard always did his best to comfort Kaidan. Hold him. Hug him. Give him kisses. Remind him that he wasn't alone. And Kaidan appreciated it, but he felt more fragile than he had in a long time. 

The only thing that really made Kaidan noticeably happier was the updates about his surviving students. And so, Shepard did everything in his power to find out what was going on with Kaidan's squad.

 

Though, Shepard had to admit, Kaidan looked pretty good lounging around in just his sweatshirt and underwear... not that he was admiring the view or anything.

"See anything you like?" Kaidan joked, but it was a gloomy tone.

"A few things." Shepard answered with a cheeky grin.

"Yeah." He snorted. "I bet."

"How are you feeling?"

"You know... Same as always."

"Kaidan..."

"I know. Rahna was indoctrinated. I know..." He took a breath. "And at least the information she was working on didn't get to Cerberus."

"Like the rest of Cerberus. It... wasn't really her." Shepard sat on the edge of the bed, watching as Kaidan tried his best not to be rude by avoiding eye contact, but tried to keep some distance. "She probably didn't even notice it."

"Matriarch Benezia noticed it. It was too late, but she did." Kaidan's voice cut like a knife. "Rahna might have been screaming inside that shell for all we know... She still might be. That... whatever it was, hijacked her body. Not like Kai Leng or those guys that know what they're doing. She... they used her. To get to me. And I almost let it happen."

"Kaidan, I love you, but I'm going to be a little tough on you." Shepard warned. "Of course they used her to get to you. That's what Cerberus does. They make it personal and they twist the knife. That's what makes them the bad guys. It doesn't make you any less of a good guy because you've got soft spots to take advantage of."

"But I should've known better. I could've... I don't know."

"No. You don't know. Even if you had known Rahna was going to betray you, would you have left your students on Noveria? Would you have let Rahna try to indoctrinate them? Or try to make off with the data from the Reapers?"

"..."

"We both know you wouldn't. Because we both know you're a hero."

"Funny. I don't feel much like a hero."

"Welcome to the club." Shepard could only remember the failures. All the people dead, all the collateral damage, Thessia. "No one's gotten out of this unscathed. But you're not alone."

"Is it wrong?"

"Is what wrong?"

"To have let her live? She could try to break out of Alliance prison. Or... I don't know. Do something else."

"It's hard to say. I don't think there's much she can do now. I doubt Cerberus is really going to mount a rescue operation just for her. They have your answer now anyway." Shepard moved a bit closer. "Besides, there's no telling how stable that indoctrination thing made her."

"...I guess that's true."

"People who have been indoctrinated for a while only get worse. They deteriorate. One way or another, Rahna wasn't making it out of this alive."

"I should've killed her then. It would've been kinder."

Shepard placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder, gently. Warmly.

"You would never have been able to forgive yourself."

"And I still can't. I can't believe I did it again..."

"Rahna's different from Udina."

"Is she?"

"Kaidan. You were trying to protect the Council. From any angle, you were used." Shepard spoke with some authority on the matter. "I know what it's like to think you're doing the right thing, only to find out you're being used."

"But this is different!"

"No, it isn't, Kaidan! In your mind, Udina was someone to be protected as much as the Council. And Rahna was just an innocent victim until we found out she wasn't! You can't keep attacking yourself for seeing the best in people. It doesn't make you stupid. It doesn't make you sentimental, or vulnerable, or naive." He was now gripping both of Kaidan's shoulders. "It makes those people that were manipulating you that much worse. I love that you do the right thing. I love that you want to trust people. To have someone betray your trust infuriates me. But it's not your fault. It's theirs, Kaidan. It was always their fault. In a perfect world, you'd know who your enemies are and who your friends are."

"..."

"I wouldn't change that about you, Kaidan. It's one of the reasons I love you."

 

"...I'm such an idiot." Kaidan muttered at length.

"Hey." Shepard gave a mock warning tone. "That's my boyfriend you're talking about."

"You still want me to be your boyfriend? After I pulled a gun on you?"

"That's not the first time you've done that."

"Yeah, but I really could have killed you this time."

Shepard took Kaidan's hand and placed it on his throat.

"You could kill me at any time. You could've shot me. You could break my neck now. You could smother me in my sleep." He stared into Kaidan's eyes. There was no hint of sarcasm. "Everyone on this ship has had a chance, a motive, an opportunity to kill me. And I've served with people who have actually shot at me. So welcome to the Coulda-Killed-Shepard-But-Didn't Club."

"I don't want to hurt you." Kaidan looked at Shepard's shoulder. Under the armor, the bandages were still in place. Dr. Chakwas was over the moon at the chance to be useful. "I never want to hurt you."

"Good."

Kaidan gently pressed his hand on Shepard's shoulder, making Shepard let out a sharp yelp of surprised pain. "Oh, Jesus... fuck me, I'm sorry."

"Said you didn't want to hurt me, and you didn't even last twenty seconds."

"I'm so sorry..." Kaidan was mortified, not sure whether or not he should get the doctor or not.

"I'm kidding with you." Shepard shook his head. "I'm fine. It's fine. Just... tender. So. Gentle."

 

"Is this visit to try and get me to come back to the land of the living?" Kaidan gave a wry smirk.

"Uh... no. This 'visit', as you call it, is me going back to the Captain's cabin. Belonging to the Captain. I am the Captain. You're the one who's Captain's roommate, making visits and booytcalls."

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

"Don't be. I'm kind of flattered you turn to my fortress of solitude to do your brooding."

"Well, it's partially you... but mostly the chance to be alone."

"Feeling humble?"

"Feeling stupid."

Rahna's words had really affected him. More than he thought they would have. Of course, there were always twinges of jealousy as Shepard became more and more an idol, and less of a person.

Kaidan was glad to see be able to see there were too sides to that. There was Shepard, hero of the universe. And then there was John, his personal hero.

But what was Shepard thinking of him in those moments? Where did all those things he said come from? Were they all lies, or were they built on truths that Shepard held deep within his heart. The lingering doubt created a rift between them in some ways. It was hard to be intimate with someone with those kinds of doubts. John was his hero. What did he feel towards Kaidan? Was there some kind of difference between Major Alenko and Kaidan for him too?

He wanted to ask. Desperately.

"I want you to know." Shepard pulled him in closer, placing his hands on Kaidan's waist. "I would never... ever... intentionally hurt you. I know I've said it before, but I'm... so sorry about those things from before. I was..."

"Trying to make it believable." Kaidan's wry expression returned again. What made it believable was that it could be believed.

"Telling her what she wanted to hear." John's voice was a dismissal of Kaidan's notion. "I wasn't interested in saying things that someone could believe. I wanted her to think she was winning. I wanted her to think that I was finally revealing it all to you."

"...Yeah."

"She thought she had us. She thought she knew us. But she doesn't know you Kaidan. She used to, but that... whatever she was, couldn't understand you. Cerberus only thinks of gains and losses. They view caring and affection as weakness. And they try to capitalize on weakness. Their main flaw... is thinking that everyone thinks like them. And that the ones who don't just need a push in the 'right direction' until they do."

"So none of it was true?"

"I know what you sometimes think of yourself. But it's not something I think of you." He rethought his words, thinking that sounded more like an accusation rather than a vote of confidence. "What I mean is, I trust you. Implicitly."

"You do?"

Shepard moved his mouth closer to Kaidan's.

"I trust you..." A string of kisses to the side of the mouth and down his neck. "To do what's right. For me. For you... for everyone. I see you as my comrade in arms, my lover, my boyfriend... my partner. And I would never forgive myself if I ever thought those things about you."

"Y-Yeah..." Kaidan was blushing now with the intimacy as Shepard moved across his collarbone.

"And I'm going to keep telling you how much you mean to me until you never think of yourself that way again. Because you are..." Shepard smiled. "The most important person in my life."

"...So I'm not..." Shepard's stubble was ticking his chest. Kaidan was trying not to smile, but his chuckle betrayed him. "You know... second banana?"

"You're my only banana." Shepard snickered in his ear now. "And just so that isn't the last word on the matter, I have a surprise for you."

"Oh, yeah?" Kaidan felt more at ease. "...A sexy surprise?"

"No. I got an update... from Hackett. Your surviving students are all in his custody. They're getting treated, they're safe. They might get deployed again somewhere, but they're all safe. And they all send their thanks."

"What?" Kaidan became more serious, despite the lightened mood. "Are you sure?"

"Told me himself. And that's all thanks to you."

"I didn't do anything..."

"Don't do that to yourself. It was totally thanks to you." John frowned softly. "First of all, you were the one training them. They lasted against assault after assault because of your training. And you're the one who brought it to me in the first place. You're the one who brought reinforcements. And you're the one who had them pulled off Noveria. Every survivor, no matter how dire it was, is alive now because of you."

"..."

"You're a hero."

"I'm not..."

"As your superior officer, I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up and accept what a big goddamn hero you are. Do we understand each other?" John gave a playful smirk.

"...Yes, sir."

"I'm a big goddamn hero... sir."

"And you know what we do to heroes, Major?"

"No, sir."

"We reward them." He gave a teasing smirk and had his hands around Kaidan's waist quickly. "For hours if necessary."

"Oh, it's necessary."

John playfully gripped Kaidan's most sensitive areas in a sudden squeeze, making Kaidan jump slightly. "And the next time you have me kneeling in front of you with a gun pointed at my head, I'll be the one blowing your mind... and not just your mind."

"Got it."

A tighter squeeze made Kaidan straighten his posture. He felt Shepard's warm hand beginning to move over him softly.

"So what are you, Major?"

"W-What?"

"Tell me what the fuck you are, Major." Shepard growled and kissed at Kaidan's throat, eliciting another groan as the hand continued to tease him. "And tell me before I lose my patience and have to put you over my knee..."

"I'm... a big goddamn hero, sir!"

"Fuck yeah, you are! Now we're going to keep at this until you don't ever think of my boyfriend as anything but. Do you understand, Major?"

"Yes, Commander Shepard." Kaidan laughed and John silenced it with a kiss, biting at his bottom lip.

"Now let's take this from the top. What the fuck are you, Major Alenko?"

"I'm a big goddamn hero, sir!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To me, Rahna always struck me as someone who was going to end up coming back and helping out Udina or end up be in Cerberus control, just by the fact that given her position as a human biotic at the time and (probably) someone with PTSD, she would've made a compelling target... to at least bait Kaidan anyway. 
> 
> I'm sure canon Rahna is actually lovely and I'm assuming she's good. I definitely struggled with how I was going to end up writing her.
> 
> A special thank you to all the people who've been waiting for this conclusion for... about a year. And another special thank you to all the people who've been encouraging me to finish, it's truly appreciated. And I'm glad to have had the opportunity to write the ending (finally).


End file.
